We live in an age of social media, where it seems, that some individuals are offended all the time… constantly, sometimes even not personally but on behalf of someone else. And it is exhausting!
This week I found myself in the middle of a small little war that actually started last week already, and I did not even know! And yes, it was because I said the wrong thing, and no, I did not mean to offend anyone…
I have often found myself in the middle of these two camps: The one side where I feel as soon as someone makes the statement “can’t you take a joke?” they are actually defending the fact that they just said the wrong thing, and the other side where I really and truly think that everyone should just lighten up a little. And I am still not entirely sure where I want to pitch my tent.
The truth is “can’t you take a joke” is more often than not hurtful. I read an article by AH Solomon, where she writes about what to do when teasing hurts. This is focused on relationship dynamics but rings true further than that. She advocates that in a relationship “do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff”. The theory is that the more good stuff will soften the blow for when the bad stuff happens. Therefore, quality time and activities and laughter will build a foundation of trust when there is frustration, misunderstanding or disconnection.
I have written before about the evaluation of truth, which is something that I myself work on every day. Intent vs impact plays an important role here and is something that should be considered from both sides. Did this person intend to offend? Did I perhaps offend someone? Acknowledging that there are 14 sides to every story really will help when trying to make amends. It will also contribute to the endeavor of understanding one another. And perhaps even help us (read me) to not take everything so personally.
What is true is that I can often dish it out but I cannot always take it. And this often happens when someone says something to me that I know, if I said the exact same thing to that person, they would not take it well.
So, on the one hand, I acknowledge that self-doubt is a serious thing, and gaslighting is a reality. But on the other hand, I wonder, should we not work towards being sure of ourselves, our convictions, our beliefs, our values etc to not be so bothered about the statements of others. Surely we need to realise that we live in a reality where everyone is not going to agree on everything…
As functioning adults I believe that we should be able to (mostly) control our sensitivity and be in a position to evaluate things for truth. In my own case I need to admit that I am high on the sensitivity scale and likely to interpret things with negative intent, which is usually not the truth. I have learned that my reaction is based on my convictions and thoughts and this is something that I can work on. Thoughts can be changed or set in stone.
As you can tell I really am going back and forth here, but I think my conclusion is that it is important for me to know the people that are important to me, and play a part in my life. I need to know who I can tease about something and who I will hurt. I need to know who the ones are that always tease and take things from who they come.
In that same breath, I also need to know myself. And I need to value the opinion and feelings of others to acknowledge differences and misunderstandings and apologise when I said the wrong thing. Sometimes we need to walk on eggshells and keep our opinions to ourselves and sometimes we need to speak our truth… I am still figuring this out.