I have been putting in some time and thought… or thought and time (which comes first?) to trying to be a little ahead of things. Being anxious about everything can sometimes overwhelm logical thought and feeling and, frankly, make intelligent people stupid and illogical.
Just a little side note: This entry is still written in a very uncertain time… we are still in lockdown and still working remotely and still trying to do everything and find some balance where there is none.
I also believe that that is when the devil comes to tug at the frayed edges of our insecurities and tell us lies about ourselves and our loved ones. Making us hear things that simply aren’t true or that was not said in a perceived manner.
One of the most annoying past times that my busy mind likes to run with is the comparison game. This is something that I believe is quite common, and something that takes on different characters all through our lives.
Rebecca Webber writes on Psychology Today about the Comparison Trap and the tricks that our mind plays on us when you fall down this rabbit hole.
When I was in school the comparison was related to my weight, my marks, my popularity. When I was in university I was concerned with my grades and other study areas and what people think of the institution I study at. When I started working, it was related to salary. When I married it was all about the image that we put forward. When I started running it was a comparison with myself and when I became a mother… oh goodness, the things that our mind does to us when we become a mother. So.. first of all we had a really hard time falling pregnant… which was a circus in itself, because it is like people expect things to happen at a certain time… or they really don’t know what else to talk about. So the batting of tactless questions became a frequent pastime.
We had been married for 10 years when I fell pregnant with twins. It was quite a game-changer! They are now almost three and they are fantastic, but I have to admit, just this morning I looked in the mirror and had to give myself a little pep talk. “You are the CEO of a company, you have a fantastic job, you are smart and interesting and witty and you know… stuff. You are caring and not entirely overweight and….” So it went on.
To me, it feels like, when you become a mother (I am saying mother because I don’t know what it is like to be a father), you suddenly lose your whole identity and everything that you thought you were and you have to fit into this new, responsible, unpredictable role.
Just this morning over the one’s breakdown about the wrong bowl, I was texting with a friend saying that today I am having a hard time… probably looking for some sympathy or trying to exchange war stories when the reply came back “I am not trying to be funny here, but my children always understood the word “no””. I have since then thought about a million replies. And had to admit, that my kids very seldom understand or adhere to the word no. And it being a rough morning, trying to work and get them to be quiet during a telecom and generally not stabbing anyone with a fork I have to admit I had little cry into my coffee.
And then it started.
Not only did I compare myself with other mothers, but I also started comparing the Lilliputians with other children and their behaviour and their intelligence and and and… down the rabbit hole, I went. So four minutes into my mental rant my house was suddenly in the wrong neigbourhood and I was too old to be a parent of two-year-olds, and not strict enough and not caring enough and they don’t eat enough fruit and they are not going to be able to do x and do too much of y… Goodness. It is exhausting to be an overthinker. You can just imagine what getting my hearing aid did to me :).
So I sat down, and I took a breath and I took out my little list, which I would like to share with you. This is my brain dump list (a term which I hate and need to find another word for) and a few things which tend to drag me back to reality. This list has changed a few times over the last months but in essence, it goes like this:
- What items need to be added to your task list?
- What do you feel good about today? (what did you find beautiful; what made you smile; what made you proud?)
- What needs to be addressed / what needs to be worked on? (what was challenging/difficult; what failed?)
- Changes (positive or negative) that you want to comment on?
- What are you looking forward to?
- What are you dreading?
- What are you avoiding?
- Are you doing something creative? (also comments)
- Why do you journal?
These few points tend to create some context in my chaos and always makes me realise that the only reality that I know is my own. The world and social media and the devil tend to spread lies and also make us believe lies about ourselves. I mean sure, my kids don’t always listen to no, but they don’t sleep in my bed. My little girl struggles with her speech but she eats everything. And then, even if I am having a bad day, it does not define my life, it is probably 5 bad minutes within a beautiful day. And also, that my friend’s comment was perhaps not meant unkindly… it was probably just something to say.
So, if I then put myself in my own sneakers, and remember that if I evaluate this honestly, I am just doing the best I can… trying every day to do better… then there is very little honesty in comparison. And perhaps if I approach every one else with this belief, that we are all doing the best we can, there should only be trust… and kindness.