I have been wanting to write about this for a few days now, but have not been able to… get it right, somehow. A friend passed away in the early hours of the 12th of July and as these things go, I have had to go through a few emotions. And although I still want to dedicate a post to her, this is not that post.
Yes, it was sudden. Yes, she was too young. No, I don’t know what happened. She was a little sick, and then became very sick, but it was unexpected. Yes, we spoke every day. No, it is certainly not my grief and loss alone, but the process of grieving has left me lost at sea.
As I sit here in the early hours of what is sure to be a busy day, trying to think what it is that I am feeling, the word annoyance pops up. I am annoyed that my grief journey is not so clear-cut and that there does not seem to be a timeline to follow. There is just a hole, that has caused my little boat of certainty and conviction to be lost at sea. There is no recipe. There is no plan. I cannot make a list or colour code anything.
Emotions associated with loss, I have learnt, are unpredictable. Grief does not have a recipe. And this too annoys me, I have been all about emotional tracking and now there is no trend.
I think this is mostly caused by a number of unanswered questions and my inability to fix this. Also, my faith which is a defining part of my being and purpose has come into question… mostly, because I am pissed off. No, I have not stopped believing in God, but we are somehow not on speaking terms.
Carina and I were close. Close enough that she was in the know about all things in my life. She was very different from me, and I think that is why we got along so well. She walked closely to God, and allowed me to tag along. At her life celebration service, 479 people signed in (this is how we do these during lockdown), and that in itself was a testimony to her legacy. In the tributes, one could tell that she was deeply loved by so many, that she touched so many lives. She lived with purpose. She had it all figured out.
A lot of the literature on the grieving process indicates that you need to go <i>through</i> … something. There is the indication of some kind of journey. I am however a little lost, and therefore stuck. Because I don’t know where I am expected to go. My journey has left me spinning.
Reminders also annoy me. So we would send few messages during the day. I keep a lookout for these. If something is funny, I want to share it with her. If I struggle with something, I want to ask help. But all these possibilities have now been snatched away.
On the 12th of July (a Monday morning) I was unable to sleep. This was due to a busy mind: Mental lists that got so intricate that I had to get up and just start the day. I have still not gotten my routine and mojo back since COVID and this was going to be the day where I was going to time block, plan, and just get through it. I was going to use this day to catch up. I even did the school drop off by myself, just before I got the news that Carina had deserted us for a Better Place during the small hours of the morning. While I was making my lists and being determined, she had quietly gone. Of course this interrupted my plans. Loss interrupts not only the life of the one that enters Heaven, but also the lives of those left behind. And that too, annoys me.
And in the in-between moments, there is a lot of guilt, because I am not functioning optimally. My mind is not focused and I am crying a lot (which is also annoying). I am searching for a distraction, and cannot seem to find what I am looking for. I am making mistakes. I am not even trying to win fights with the Lilliputians. And in the midst of all this crying, life goes on. It has to. So I am still trying to be a daughter, sister, mother, friend, boss, employee…
I realise, that everyone handles loss differently. And I know that if I stop trying to rely on myself, I will get through this… especially if I stop trying so hard to get back on course. But in the interim, I am annoyed by sadness and grief and not knowing what is expected.
I do however smile every now and again when the reminders are fun. When I realise that Carina was not lost at all, and she is now exactly where she should be.