May 2020 – Tonotopics

May 18, 2020September 9, 2020

Walkabout

“. . .the grand tour is just the inspired man’s way of heading home.”
– Paul Theroux

If you could go anywhere, be anywhere, on your own… where would it be?

If I were to be left alone somewhere I would pick a place with dunes. I have always loved the ocean but it was only later in my life that I realised that love affair was more with the dunes than the water. I love the shapes that are drawn on them by the wind. I love how they are always in motion even if they seem to be still. I love that they are never the same from moment to moment. And the ones that I am familiar with have a view of the ocean. So if I were to be left in solitude somewhere to think about a few things… it would be somewhere with dunes.

I came across the term walkabout as the definition of a spiritual journey, where boys go to live on their own in the wild for approximately six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood. I understand it to be an effort to throw these boys into the deep end and make the teach themselves how to swim.

I recently read the word used in a somewhat different context, where a young man was sent away by his young wife because he seemed confused about who he was and what he wanted. She believed that he needed time to figure these things out before he could be truly happy with her.

I think this concept is something that can either happen at a designated time in your life, like a gap year after school or before you get married or before you have children. But sometimes a believe that events may also push us in a direction where we need to figure ourselves out again. A sudden change or bad news, or any such life-changing event. An injury, diagnosis or loss… People may need to do different things to find themselves to be their own home again.

This got me thinking (as things do)…

But what if we (and I mean me) were entitled to a period of six months where you could just take some time and figure out who you are and who you want to be and also who you were intended to be and be with? What is it exactly that I would want to figure out?

So yes, you got it. I made a list of the lists:

What are the things in my life that I am the proudest of?

What are the blessings that were handed to me, undeservedly?

What aspects of my being make me an excellent daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, employee…?

What are the things that need to be addressed because they make me a horrible daughter, sister… human being?

What do I love about me?

What energises me?

What calms me down?

What do I value the most?

What needs to be cherished and what needs to be discarded?

In essence: what would be my home?

I am sure this list will grow and go on and change… as I change. But I would love to have it grow from a single core. That which I have figured out to be the best version of me and also the worst version of me. I guess I am trying to say that some questions can only be answered if I truly know who I am.

Even if I did not have the luxury of six months and no distractions for a walkabout, I have, up to now, been having this beautiful and horrible life; Threading experiences and lessons and people and music together into something like a patterned table cloth that is me. And I believe that the answers to the questions on my list will always define my home… when I find myself on a walkabout, I would know where to go.

May 12, 2020September 9, 2020

The challenge of change

In recent months I have become a little obsessed with planning and scheduling, lists and sticky notes. South Africa is now on the 45^th day of the National lockdown and the additional responsibilities have multiplied the lists. Up to a point of over management (there are lists for the lists).

*My apologies for another post focused on the lockdown but “[…] the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”.

I have always known that I am not good with change. I feel that if you at least acknowledge it, and warn others, then it can be managed (or adequately ignored). So seeing as the Engineer knows this about my little obsession (17 years of lessons) he is not too phased with the lists and plans and the sticky notes. My colleagues love the planner in me, due to the nature of our work and the Lilliputians, well they are too small to care, they probably think that it is like this in every household.

The challenge, however, came in when I started to annoy myself. I took up a form of bullet journaling in April of last year. I did some research on the topic and the various options and started my planner with a clean slate. The daily pages have changed numerous times, depending on my priorities and at the beginning of 2020 I thought that I should get a quote and have my pages printed because they are now exactly how I want them: A double-page spread per day, right-hand side work to do/done and left-hand side split into a section for the emotional stuff, the physical stuff and then a to-do/done section for personal things and home things. Every week had a menu planner and a shopping list and every month had a habit tracker. There were sections for the various areas of my work and things were neatly compartmentalised, documented and colour-coded. And then things changed. And it kicked my ass.

So suddenly my habit tracker was not applicable anymore, because in the complete lockdown I could not go for a run, so no boxes to highlight there. I tracked my online spending, which came to a standstill in the lockdown because things could either not be bought or not be delivered. My personal to-do which use to include things like a manicure appointment or a girls’ night once a month or a dinner party at our house, now included things like changing the sheets and mopping the floors and making sure that the kids are attending the Zoom music classes.

So yes, the habit tracker became a cleaning schedule and the water tracker became hours logged for work and my plan… well it changed into something else.

For more than a month now I have struggled with this. I have felt guilty because I have struggled and complained about things that other people manage in their stride. I have been ticking things off and other days I have been disappointed in myself because I could not. I have been picking fights with the Engineer and my kids because all the boxes were not ticked.

And then, in a chat with someone (yes, someone I pay money to help me figure these things out) the following seed was planted: in a time where you have no control over something that is changing everything, you would have to change some of your priorities and your focus. I find this to be especially true because everything is now in one place: work and home and school and dance studio all have the same address. And also because I struggle to do things in the same amount of time than I use to at the office. So things that used to be very possible are now impossible. So I had to start with a clean slate again. Adapt my mind and my planning and my lists to things that are necessary and relevant and important now.

I have therefore taken some time in the small hours and made a list of the things that lockdown has taught me thus far – the lockdown lessons. Here are a few of the items:

You miss a lot of your kids’ development and growing up during office hours, and this time with them is a gift and a blessing.
I can now fold a fitted sheet.
Just because things take longer does not mean I am doing it wrong.
I do better on the days that I get up and get dressed and tackle the list than the days when I try to sleep a little later and start the workday in my PJs.
I will always be a planning listmaker even if the environment changes – and that’s OK.
I love cooking with my family (we have had something else on the menu every night of lockdown and tried many new recipes thus far. Dinner around the table is the best part of my day).
I love my dance classes not only for the dancing but also for the vibe and the people and I miss them all terribly.
Cleaning the oven is really hard.
There is a lot to be said for a day where you know you don’t have to go anywhere and I often don’t appreciate that enough.
The Engineer would happily remain in lockdown for the rest of the year because it means that he does not have to shave.

The list goes on and grows daily.

I realise that my personal experience during this time is somewhat irrelevant and the change that I experience is minuscule when placed next to the everlasting change in the economy and the world. But I have also learned that one should not dismiss the things that challenge you or make things hard by saying that it is not important or not comparable to the situation of others. By saying that you say that you are not important and ignore the truth that people deal with different things in different ways.

May 6, 2020

The comparison compromise

I have been putting in some time and thought… or thought and time (which comes first?) to trying to be a little ahead of things. Being anxious about everything can sometimes overwhelm logical thought and feeling and, frankly, make intelligent people stupid and illogical.

Just a little side note: This entry is still written in a very uncertain time… we are still in lockdown and still working remotely and still trying to do everything and find some balance where there is none.

I also believe that that is when the devil comes to tug at the frayed edges of our insecurities and tell us lies about ourselves and our loved ones. Making us hear things that simply aren’t true or that was not said in a perceived manner.

One of the most annoying past times that my busy mind likes to run with is the comparison game. This is something that I believe is quite common, and something that takes on different characters all through our lives.

Rebecca Webber writes on Psychology Today about the Comparison Trap and the tricks that our mind plays on us when you fall down this rabbit hole.

When I was in school the comparison was related to my weight, my marks, my popularity. When I was in university I was concerned with my grades and other study areas and what people think of the institution I study at. When I started working, it was related to salary. When I married it was all about the image that we put forward. When I started running it was a comparison with myself and when I became a mother… oh goodness, the things that our mind does to us when we become a mother. So.. first of all we had a really hard time falling pregnant… which was a circus in itself, because it is like people expect things to happen at a certain time… or they really don’t know what else to talk about. So the batting of tactless questions became a frequent pastime.

We had been married for 10 years when I fell pregnant with twins. It was quite a game-changer! They are now almost three and they are fantastic, but I have to admit, just this morning I looked in the mirror and had to give myself a little pep talk. “You are the CEO of a company, you have a fantastic job, you are smart and interesting and witty and you know… stuff. You are caring and not entirely overweight and….” So it went on.

To me, it feels like, when you become a mother (I am saying mother because I don’t know what it is like to be a father), you suddenly lose your whole identity and everything that you thought you were and you have to fit into this new, responsible, unpredictable role.

Just this morning over the one’s breakdown about the wrong bowl, I was texting with a friend saying that today I am having a hard time… probably looking for some sympathy or trying to exchange war stories when the reply came back “I am not trying to be funny here, but my children always understood the word “no””. I have since then thought about a million replies. And had to admit, that my kids very seldom understand or adhere to the word no. And it being a rough morning, trying to work and get them to be quiet during a telecom and generally not stabbing anyone with a fork I have to admit I had little cry into my coffee.

And then it started.

Not only did I compare myself with other mothers, but I also started comparing the Lilliputians with other children and their behaviour and their intelligence and and and… down the rabbit hole, I went. So four minutes into my mental rant my house was suddenly in the wrong neigbourhood and I was too old to be a parent of two-year-olds, and not strict enough and not caring enough and they don’t eat enough fruit and they are not going to be able to do x and do too much of y… Goodness. It is exhausting to be an overthinker. You can just imagine what getting my hearing aid did to me :).

So I sat down, and I took a breath and I took out my little list, which I would like to share with you. This is my brain dump list (a term which I hate and need to find another word for) and a few things which tend to drag me back to reality. This list has changed a few times over the last months but in essence, it goes like this:

What items need to be added to your task list?
What do you feel good about today? (what did you find beautiful; what made you smile; what made you proud?)
What needs to be addressed / what needs to be worked on? (what was challenging/difficult; what failed?)
Changes (positive or negative) that you want to comment on?
What are you looking forward to?
What are you dreading?
What are you avoiding?
Are you doing something creative? (also comments)
Why do you journal?

These few points tend to create some context in my chaos and always makes me realise that the only reality that I know is my own. The world and social media and the devil tend to spread lies and also make us believe lies about ourselves. I mean sure, my kids don’t always listen to no, but they don’t sleep in my bed. My little girl struggles with her speech but she eats everything. And then, even if I am having a bad day, it does not define my life, it is probably 5 bad minutes within a beautiful day. And also, that my friend’s comment was perhaps not meant unkindly… it was probably just something to say.

So, if I then put myself in my own sneakers, and remember that if I evaluate this honestly, I am just doing the best I can… trying every day to do better… then there is very little honesty in comparison. And perhaps if I approach every one else with this belief, that we are all doing the best we can, there should only be trust… and kindness.