Emotional tracking continued
Please forgive this incoherent ramble but there has to be a home for this as well amidst the planning and the sorting and the dreaming.
I wrote about the emotional tracking here and I am struggling today to give the anger a name. I have looked up synonyms: irate, annoyed, displeased, irked… I have weighed them up and turned them around in my mind and on paper… but nothing felt appropriate, nothing was exactly right. And then it dawned on me, what I am feeling is not anger or rage… it is “disappointment”.
When looking at synonyms for this it matches the hollowness in my stomach a little better: sadness, regret, sorrow…
And I wondered how I could confuse the two but then realised… it is because I wanted to blame someone, I wanted to justify myself by saying that I was provoked. But the truth is that I am actually just disappointed in myself.
I have stood here before… hearing the roar of the deafening silence, making excuses and explaining myself, defending myself. Full well knowing what the outcome would be. I realise today that consideration needs to be given to what I deserve and admitting that I have perhaps granted myself a little more than that.
As human beings, we all make choices, informed and uninformed. And today the voice is saying “I told you so” and “you should have known better”. When the truth appears and I realise that the person who understands me the best is me. And I am so quick to blame others for my feelings! In rolls “regret”.
I am disappointed. I am restless because all these feelings remain in this quiet storm. Hidden and secret. I am despondent and with that comes the realisation that unfairness is not always unfair.
I admit that I do not want to be standing where I am standing. I don’t want to be here. And I smile because why do I always have to tell myself that when I find myself here again. What else should there then really be to say?
How do I point myself in another direction? Who should take the responsibility? All rhetorical questions of course. But here I am, standing unappreciated and unappreciative, unheard and silenced, yet, stubbornness is also a characteristic of mine. It all points back to my own choices and words and actions. And I know how this will play out, because I have stood here before. Those who know you the best and who you allow closest to your heart are the ones who will hurt you the most. And in this case the “them” is me.
So what then, is the answer?
Go through the motions. Identify the feeling, carry it with you for a moment to your new destination. And right there is the problem! I am unsure of where I want to be. I have never taken the time to plot that out. I have never evaluated and prioritised my dreams. Because here I am standing again, soaked in disappointment and anger. Raging in my uncertainty. I should revisit and review my goals.
I turn the page and I am saying it (probably again):
I will not be hurt again. I will not care and dream and plan there where I see all the flashing red lights. I will not raise my voice if the silence is thundering my way. I will not lie.
I will name all my blessings and thread them to my dreams and I will voice them with determination and certainty. I will repeat His promises, humble in my convictions. And I will work to be deserving of grace – even if that is not quite how it works. I will turn around and walk away from this disappointment where I have found myself once again, focused on a new destination.