Ina Du Toit – Page 20

May 12, 2020September 9, 2020

The challenge of change

In recent months I have become a little obsessed with planning and scheduling, lists and sticky notes. South Africa is now on the 45^th day of the National lockdown and the additional responsibilities have multiplied the lists. Up to a point of over management (there are lists for the lists).

*My apologies for another post focused on the lockdown but “[…] the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”.

I have always known that I am not good with change. I feel that if you at least acknowledge it, and warn others, then it can be managed (or adequately ignored). So seeing as the Engineer knows this about my little obsession (17 years of lessons) he is not too phased with the lists and plans and the sticky notes. My colleagues love the planner in me, due to the nature of our work and the Lilliputians, well they are too small to care, they probably think that it is like this in every household.

The challenge, however, came in when I started to annoy myself. I took up a form of bullet journaling in April of last year. I did some research on the topic and the various options and started my planner with a clean slate. The daily pages have changed numerous times, depending on my priorities and at the beginning of 2020 I thought that I should get a quote and have my pages printed because they are now exactly how I want them: A double-page spread per day, right-hand side work to do/done and left-hand side split into a section for the emotional stuff, the physical stuff and then a to-do/done section for personal things and home things. Every week had a menu planner and a shopping list and every month had a habit tracker. There were sections for the various areas of my work and things were neatly compartmentalised, documented and colour-coded. And then things changed. And it kicked my ass.

So suddenly my habit tracker was not applicable anymore, because in the complete lockdown I could not go for a run, so no boxes to highlight there. I tracked my online spending, which came to a standstill in the lockdown because things could either not be bought or not be delivered. My personal to-do which use to include things like a manicure appointment or a girls’ night once a month or a dinner party at our house, now included things like changing the sheets and mopping the floors and making sure that the kids are attending the Zoom music classes.

So yes, the habit tracker became a cleaning schedule and the water tracker became hours logged for work and my plan… well it changed into something else.

For more than a month now I have struggled with this. I have felt guilty because I have struggled and complained about things that other people manage in their stride. I have been ticking things off and other days I have been disappointed in myself because I could not. I have been picking fights with the Engineer and my kids because all the boxes were not ticked.

And then, in a chat with someone (yes, someone I pay money to help me figure these things out) the following seed was planted: in a time where you have no control over something that is changing everything, you would have to change some of your priorities and your focus. I find this to be especially true because everything is now in one place: work and home and school and dance studio all have the same address. And also because I struggle to do things in the same amount of time than I use to at the office. So things that used to be very possible are now impossible. So I had to start with a clean slate again. Adapt my mind and my planning and my lists to things that are necessary and relevant and important now.

I have therefore taken some time in the small hours and made a list of the things that lockdown has taught me thus far – the lockdown lessons. Here are a few of the items:

You miss a lot of your kids’ development and growing up during office hours, and this time with them is a gift and a blessing.
I can now fold a fitted sheet.
Just because things take longer does not mean I am doing it wrong.
I do better on the days that I get up and get dressed and tackle the list than the days when I try to sleep a little later and start the workday in my PJs.
I will always be a planning listmaker even if the environment changes – and that’s OK.
I love cooking with my family (we have had something else on the menu every night of lockdown and tried many new recipes thus far. Dinner around the table is the best part of my day).
I love my dance classes not only for the dancing but also for the vibe and the people and I miss them all terribly.
Cleaning the oven is really hard.
There is a lot to be said for a day where you know you don’t have to go anywhere and I often don’t appreciate that enough.
The Engineer would happily remain in lockdown for the rest of the year because it means that he does not have to shave.

The list goes on and grows daily.

I realise that my personal experience during this time is somewhat irrelevant and the change that I experience is minuscule when placed next to the everlasting change in the economy and the world. But I have also learned that one should not dismiss the things that challenge you or make things hard by saying that it is not important or not comparable to the situation of others. By saying that you say that you are not important and ignore the truth that people deal with different things in different ways.

May 6, 2020

The comparison compromise

I have been putting in some time and thought… or thought and time (which comes first?) to trying to be a little ahead of things. Being anxious about everything can sometimes overwhelm logical thought and feeling and, frankly, make intelligent people stupid and illogical.

Just a little side note: This entry is still written in a very uncertain time… we are still in lockdown and still working remotely and still trying to do everything and find some balance where there is none.

I also believe that that is when the devil comes to tug at the frayed edges of our insecurities and tell us lies about ourselves and our loved ones. Making us hear things that simply aren’t true or that was not said in a perceived manner.

One of the most annoying past times that my busy mind likes to run with is the comparison game. This is something that I believe is quite common, and something that takes on different characters all through our lives.

Rebecca Webber writes on Psychology Today about the Comparison Trap and the tricks that our mind plays on us when you fall down this rabbit hole.

When I was in school the comparison was related to my weight, my marks, my popularity. When I was in university I was concerned with my grades and other study areas and what people think of the institution I study at. When I started working, it was related to salary. When I married it was all about the image that we put forward. When I started running it was a comparison with myself and when I became a mother… oh goodness, the things that our mind does to us when we become a mother. So.. first of all we had a really hard time falling pregnant… which was a circus in itself, because it is like people expect things to happen at a certain time… or they really don’t know what else to talk about. So the batting of tactless questions became a frequent pastime.

We had been married for 10 years when I fell pregnant with twins. It was quite a game-changer! They are now almost three and they are fantastic, but I have to admit, just this morning I looked in the mirror and had to give myself a little pep talk. “You are the CEO of a company, you have a fantastic job, you are smart and interesting and witty and you know… stuff. You are caring and not entirely overweight and….” So it went on.

To me, it feels like, when you become a mother (I am saying mother because I don’t know what it is like to be a father), you suddenly lose your whole identity and everything that you thought you were and you have to fit into this new, responsible, unpredictable role.

Just this morning over the one’s breakdown about the wrong bowl, I was texting with a friend saying that today I am having a hard time… probably looking for some sympathy or trying to exchange war stories when the reply came back “I am not trying to be funny here, but my children always understood the word “no””. I have since then thought about a million replies. And had to admit, that my kids very seldom understand or adhere to the word no. And it being a rough morning, trying to work and get them to be quiet during a telecom and generally not stabbing anyone with a fork I have to admit I had little cry into my coffee.

And then it started.

Not only did I compare myself with other mothers, but I also started comparing the Lilliputians with other children and their behaviour and their intelligence and and and… down the rabbit hole, I went. So four minutes into my mental rant my house was suddenly in the wrong neigbourhood and I was too old to be a parent of two-year-olds, and not strict enough and not caring enough and they don’t eat enough fruit and they are not going to be able to do x and do too much of y… Goodness. It is exhausting to be an overthinker. You can just imagine what getting my hearing aid did to me :).

So I sat down, and I took a breath and I took out my little list, which I would like to share with you. This is my brain dump list (a term which I hate and need to find another word for) and a few things which tend to drag me back to reality. This list has changed a few times over the last months but in essence, it goes like this:

What items need to be added to your task list?
What do you feel good about today? (what did you find beautiful; what made you smile; what made you proud?)
What needs to be addressed / what needs to be worked on? (what was challenging/difficult; what failed?)
Changes (positive or negative) that you want to comment on?
What are you looking forward to?
What are you dreading?
What are you avoiding?
Are you doing something creative? (also comments)
Why do you journal?

These few points tend to create some context in my chaos and always makes me realise that the only reality that I know is my own. The world and social media and the devil tend to spread lies and also make us believe lies about ourselves. I mean sure, my kids don’t always listen to no, but they don’t sleep in my bed. My little girl struggles with her speech but she eats everything. And then, even if I am having a bad day, it does not define my life, it is probably 5 bad minutes within a beautiful day. And also, that my friend’s comment was perhaps not meant unkindly… it was probably just something to say.

So, if I then put myself in my own sneakers, and remember that if I evaluate this honestly, I am just doing the best I can… trying every day to do better… then there is very little honesty in comparison. And perhaps if I approach every one else with this belief, that we are all doing the best we can, there should only be trust… and kindness.

April 28, 2020

Hearing loss and anxiety

I have always been an anxious type. Although I do not believe in star signs, this does correlate with me being a Gemini. When the Lilliputians were born, this anxiety manifested into full-blown postnatal depression, which is something that I am planning to discuss at a later stage. This post, however, is about the link between my hearing loss and the anxiety it caused and still causes. It also suggests a few things which help me cope with anxiety. Please note that this post is not based on researched medical scientific facts, but instead on my personal experience. I am planning to do some research on it, and will also post those findings when they are available.

My hearing loss was caused by a virus (varicella-zoster) that caused nerve damage. The virus, however, is one of those fun ones that hang around in your system for a long time and re-emerges when you are stressed or your immune system is having a tough time… or in most cases both. I therefore had shingles more than once and in each case, it caused a little more damage. Together with this damage came vestibular issues, which, like the hearing loss, were only identified later, simply because it was not something that we were looking for at the time. Bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

The saying goes, that hindsight is always twenty-twenty, and that is also true in my case. It is now easy for me to explain that that whole feeling of being out of control and never catching up was because everything was not working as it should. It was because some senses were compensating for others to make me do simple every day things like walk upright, and it was, of course, because I could not hear.

It is however much more difficult to address anxiety when you cannot pinpoint the cause. And that in itself causes anxiety. What a tangled web we weave!

The following, in no particular order of importance, were things that have helped me deal with my anxiety, and most of these will be discussed in separate posts.

Give it a name

I had to identify that what I was feeling was something that I needed to address.

Calling in the professionals

In my case the professionals were numerous and I am grateful for all of them:

Medical specialists and a fantastic ENT
A physiotherapist
A audiologist
Psychologist and a
Psychiatrist

What feeds your soul?

A big element that I have unfortunately only come to define in my 30s, was to figure out who I am and what I truly enjoy, what gets me excited and what sparks my interests. It was important to make a list (which is also one of the items J) of the things that feed my soul. NOT the things that I think are supposed to feed my soul, or the things that I think others would be impressed with, but the actual things. For me, it was also important to realise that as we grow and as we reposition ourselves in our various roles, this list also changes. So this is an adventure and not just map. I think that these various items will also find their way into this blog, so watch this space.

Just as a little side note here, I have realised that it is the things that feed your soul that I will be good at, at the end of the day and not the other way around.

What makes me feel like a grownup?

To manage my anxiety I had to make friends with it, and realise that it is always going to be part of my life. I had to however, make a plan to address it in the everyday things and that includes being a grownup: a mother, a colleague, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a Christian and a human being able to get out of bed in the morning and be accountable for themselves and their actions. In broad terms what I identified here was structure, and this is also something that I will drag into this conversation from time to time, as I have become a bit of a planner geek.

Mindfulness

I have realised in the last year, that this specific element, is something that so many people neglect, and perhaps now that I type here… it is something that pulls all of the above together. For me, mindfulness indicates a few simple things. A good example is that I should know that if I have too much wine, I am going to not only be hung over but also be disappointed in myself. Another is that I have learnt that I am extremely brave in text and cowardly in actual conversations. I can be blunt and insulting on a text message and say things that I will never ever say in real life.

This chat is a very early post of this blog, and I hope that it would grow from here. I still have a lot to learn about the process and many things that I want to do, but I am just leaving this here, for now.

April 20, 2020

Procrastinating with the purpose to avoid

I am a master of avoidance. Well, first procrastination and then avoidance. I am also brilliant at listing things again and again only to rewrite them on a new list the next day. Coincidentally I am also a huge fan of lists. I can also fool myself into believing that I am not avoiding something by planning for it and putting it on a list, and perhaps awarding it some form of colour coding…

I started this blog because I wanted to create a community and also as a medium to share my story in an environment where people can simply unsubscribe if they are not interested. I did a course on setting up my blog and got hosting and felt like a grownup. I posted three articles and then Tonotpics became an interesting topic on my to-do list. Changing slightly every time I wrote it down. Gems like “create planning board” and “review research topics” even to outright “write blogpost” got passed from day to day in neat handwriting. This procrastination later grew a life of its own, when I created a separate planner for my blog and made beautifully laminated dividers with craft paper, indicating the various categories I want to focus on. I downloaded blog post templates and subscribed to numerous newsletters where I got personalised emails from Dave and Steven and Ralph, wanting to give me the perfect tool to write my blog from home and, apparently, earn a living. Oh and then came the sticky notes! Colourcoded little squares of wisdom that could be stuck on my planner board.

I am writing this at a strange time in the world. We are in lockdown in South Africa due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The period was initially for 21 days but was extended for another two weeks and it honesly seems like the end is nowhere near. In South Africa lockdown entails that everything is closed, except for a few essential services. And also that we mere mortals are not allowed to leave our dwellings except to get essential supplies or go to the doctor. We are not allowed to go running or walk our dogs or walk the Lilliputians.

I work in the medical publishing environment and run a small publishing firm that does scholarly publications of medical journals. Needless to say we are also swimming in the deep end – buy at least we are swimming. Many firms have had to close at this time and their workers cannot work remotely. The Enigineer is also working from home. Which all sounds idyllic… sweatpants and slippers and Labradors everywhere. But the reality is a full-time job, Skype meetings where the one Lilliputian ran in this morning shouting “I have new underpants, Pappa!!!” and house chores that I am not accustomed to because I usually have help twice a week (yes I am spoilt, but I am used to it). There is also Labrador hair everywhere!

My sanity management in the form of running (which is, truth be told, more of a shuffle) outside, has also been taken away and I am now becoming very well acquainted with my back yard, running a little path up and down daily… measuring about 4kms. The Engineer is skipping rope, which is not a talent that was dished out to me.

I, therefore, opened a new document this afternoon because, amidst all my planning, I have lost the purpose. I realised that just starting something would perhaps be… well… a good start. I realised that I had to retrace my steps back to the purpose of this adventure.

February 12, 2020

A (somewhat primitive) understanding of tinnitus

When consulting a dictionary, tinnitus is defined as “ringing or buzzing in the ears”. Upon further reading and also personal experience, I can tell you that there is also wooshing and humming. Tinnitus can even seem like a familiar tune or song – this is referred to as a “musical hallucination” – which sounds somewhat blissful.

The most common cause for tinnitus is noise induced hearing loss. My tinnitus was caused by damage due to a virus in my inner ear. This virus caused permanent damage to the sound sensitive cells of the cochlea. It is therefore important to note that tinnitus is not a disease but a symptom.

I was introduced to “tinnitus maskers” when I went for my first hearing test. These are tools that help the brain ignore the specific tinnitus frequency.

The literature also refers to “tinnitus retraining therapy” and this is currently where my reading is focused. Please note that I am by no stretch of the imagination a medical specialist, but it was explained to me as follows: The damage to the cells causes a lack of stimulation within those specific frequencies, because these frequencies are no longer heard. The brain gets irritated and consequently creates those sounds on its own. Again a wonderful mechanism that echoes just how wonderfully the human body was put together!

The solution provided to me for my tinnitus (that is only present in the one ear), was fractal tones, or fractal music. This sounds like music one would hear in a spa… somewhat undefined, totally unfamiliar. Fractal music is generated in such a way that the order of the melody never repeats, there is therefore no pattern and the brain cannot familiarise itself with the sound. It will never be an earworm, and you will never be able to sing along. It is because of this lack of recognition that it works as a masking technique. The brain can later simply move it to the background and even ignore it.

It also has additional properties in that it has a calming effect and aids with concentration and focus.

My hearing aid generates this music. Various programmes named lilac and sea breeze and other such pretentious phrases. I am making an effort to use the music when I struggle to calm my thoughts at night, or when I am concentrating on a project at work and I have experienced some of the positive effects. I am documenting these in my journal and hope to provide a sort of case study after I have used it for a while.