Personal life – Page 7

May 18, 2020September 9, 2020

Walkabout

“. . .the grand tour is just the inspired man’s way of heading home.”
– Paul Theroux

If you could go anywhere, be anywhere, on your own… where would it be?

If I were to be left alone somewhere I would pick a place with dunes. I have always loved the ocean but it was only later in my life that I realised that love affair was more with the dunes than the water. I love the shapes that are drawn on them by the wind. I love how they are always in motion even if they seem to be still. I love that they are never the same from moment to moment. And the ones that I am familiar with have a view of the ocean. So if I were to be left in solitude somewhere to think about a few things… it would be somewhere with dunes.

I came across the term walkabout as the definition of a spiritual journey, where boys go to live on their own in the wild for approximately six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood. I understand it to be an effort to throw these boys into the deep end and make the teach themselves how to swim.

I recently read the word used in a somewhat different context, where a young man was sent away by his young wife because he seemed confused about who he was and what he wanted. She believed that he needed time to figure these things out before he could be truly happy with her.

I think this concept is something that can either happen at a designated time in your life, like a gap year after school or before you get married or before you have children. But sometimes a believe that events may also push us in a direction where we need to figure ourselves out again. A sudden change or bad news, or any such life-changing event. An injury, diagnosis or loss… People may need to do different things to find themselves to be their own home again.

This got me thinking (as things do)…

But what if we (and I mean me) were entitled to a period of six months where you could just take some time and figure out who you are and who you want to be and also who you were intended to be and be with? What is it exactly that I would want to figure out?

So yes, you got it. I made a list of the lists:

What are the things in my life that I am the proudest of?

What are the blessings that were handed to me, undeservedly?

What aspects of my being make me an excellent daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, employee…?

What are the things that need to be addressed because they make me a horrible daughter, sister… human being?

What do I love about me?

What energises me?

What calms me down?

What do I value the most?

What needs to be cherished and what needs to be discarded?

In essence: what would be my home?

I am sure this list will grow and go on and change… as I change. But I would love to have it grow from a single core. That which I have figured out to be the best version of me and also the worst version of me. I guess I am trying to say that some questions can only be answered if I truly know who I am.

Even if I did not have the luxury of six months and no distractions for a walkabout, I have, up to now, been having this beautiful and horrible life; Threading experiences and lessons and people and music together into something like a patterned table cloth that is me. And I believe that the answers to the questions on my list will always define my home… when I find myself on a walkabout, I would know where to go.

May 6, 2020

The comparison compromise

I have been putting in some time and thought… or thought and time (which comes first?) to trying to be a little ahead of things. Being anxious about everything can sometimes overwhelm logical thought and feeling and, frankly, make intelligent people stupid and illogical.

Just a little side note: This entry is still written in a very uncertain time… we are still in lockdown and still working remotely and still trying to do everything and find some balance where there is none.

I also believe that that is when the devil comes to tug at the frayed edges of our insecurities and tell us lies about ourselves and our loved ones. Making us hear things that simply aren’t true or that was not said in a perceived manner.

One of the most annoying past times that my busy mind likes to run with is the comparison game. This is something that I believe is quite common, and something that takes on different characters all through our lives.

Rebecca Webber writes on Psychology Today about the Comparison Trap and the tricks that our mind plays on us when you fall down this rabbit hole.

When I was in school the comparison was related to my weight, my marks, my popularity. When I was in university I was concerned with my grades and other study areas and what people think of the institution I study at. When I started working, it was related to salary. When I married it was all about the image that we put forward. When I started running it was a comparison with myself and when I became a mother… oh goodness, the things that our mind does to us when we become a mother. So.. first of all we had a really hard time falling pregnant… which was a circus in itself, because it is like people expect things to happen at a certain time… or they really don’t know what else to talk about. So the batting of tactless questions became a frequent pastime.

We had been married for 10 years when I fell pregnant with twins. It was quite a game-changer! They are now almost three and they are fantastic, but I have to admit, just this morning I looked in the mirror and had to give myself a little pep talk. “You are the CEO of a company, you have a fantastic job, you are smart and interesting and witty and you know… stuff. You are caring and not entirely overweight and….” So it went on.

To me, it feels like, when you become a mother (I am saying mother because I don’t know what it is like to be a father), you suddenly lose your whole identity and everything that you thought you were and you have to fit into this new, responsible, unpredictable role.

Just this morning over the one’s breakdown about the wrong bowl, I was texting with a friend saying that today I am having a hard time… probably looking for some sympathy or trying to exchange war stories when the reply came back “I am not trying to be funny here, but my children always understood the word “no””. I have since then thought about a million replies. And had to admit, that my kids very seldom understand or adhere to the word no. And it being a rough morning, trying to work and get them to be quiet during a telecom and generally not stabbing anyone with a fork I have to admit I had little cry into my coffee.

And then it started.

Not only did I compare myself with other mothers, but I also started comparing the Lilliputians with other children and their behaviour and their intelligence and and and… down the rabbit hole, I went. So four minutes into my mental rant my house was suddenly in the wrong neigbourhood and I was too old to be a parent of two-year-olds, and not strict enough and not caring enough and they don’t eat enough fruit and they are not going to be able to do x and do too much of y… Goodness. It is exhausting to be an overthinker. You can just imagine what getting my hearing aid did to me :).

So I sat down, and I took a breath and I took out my little list, which I would like to share with you. This is my brain dump list (a term which I hate and need to find another word for) and a few things which tend to drag me back to reality. This list has changed a few times over the last months but in essence, it goes like this:

What items need to be added to your task list?
What do you feel good about today? (what did you find beautiful; what made you smile; what made you proud?)
What needs to be addressed / what needs to be worked on? (what was challenging/difficult; what failed?)
Changes (positive or negative) that you want to comment on?
What are you looking forward to?
What are you dreading?
What are you avoiding?
Are you doing something creative? (also comments)
Why do you journal?

These few points tend to create some context in my chaos and always makes me realise that the only reality that I know is my own. The world and social media and the devil tend to spread lies and also make us believe lies about ourselves. I mean sure, my kids don’t always listen to no, but they don’t sleep in my bed. My little girl struggles with her speech but she eats everything. And then, even if I am having a bad day, it does not define my life, it is probably 5 bad minutes within a beautiful day. And also, that my friend’s comment was perhaps not meant unkindly… it was probably just something to say.

So, if I then put myself in my own sneakers, and remember that if I evaluate this honestly, I am just doing the best I can… trying every day to do better… then there is very little honesty in comparison. And perhaps if I approach every one else with this belief, that we are all doing the best we can, there should only be trust… and kindness.

April 28, 2020

Hearing loss and anxiety

I have always been an anxious type. Although I do not believe in star signs, this does correlate with me being a Gemini. When the Lilliputians were born, this anxiety manifested into full-blown postnatal depression, which is something that I am planning to discuss at a later stage. This post, however, is about the link between my hearing loss and the anxiety it caused and still causes. It also suggests a few things which help me cope with anxiety. Please note that this post is not based on researched medical scientific facts, but instead on my personal experience. I am planning to do some research on it, and will also post those findings when they are available.

My hearing loss was caused by a virus (varicella-zoster) that caused nerve damage. The virus, however, is one of those fun ones that hang around in your system for a long time and re-emerges when you are stressed or your immune system is having a tough time… or in most cases both. I therefore had shingles more than once and in each case, it caused a little more damage. Together with this damage came vestibular issues, which, like the hearing loss, were only identified later, simply because it was not something that we were looking for at the time. Bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

The saying goes, that hindsight is always twenty-twenty, and that is also true in my case. It is now easy for me to explain that that whole feeling of being out of control and never catching up was because everything was not working as it should. It was because some senses were compensating for others to make me do simple every day things like walk upright, and it was, of course, because I could not hear.

It is however much more difficult to address anxiety when you cannot pinpoint the cause. And that in itself causes anxiety. What a tangled web we weave!

The following, in no particular order of importance, were things that have helped me deal with my anxiety, and most of these will be discussed in separate posts.

Give it a name

I had to identify that what I was feeling was something that I needed to address.

Calling in the professionals

In my case the professionals were numerous and I am grateful for all of them:

Medical specialists and a fantastic ENT
A physiotherapist
A audiologist
Psychologist and a
Psychiatrist

What feeds your soul?

A big element that I have unfortunately only come to define in my 30s, was to figure out who I am and what I truly enjoy, what gets me excited and what sparks my interests. It was important to make a list (which is also one of the items J) of the things that feed my soul. NOT the things that I think are supposed to feed my soul, or the things that I think others would be impressed with, but the actual things. For me, it was also important to realise that as we grow and as we reposition ourselves in our various roles, this list also changes. So this is an adventure and not just map. I think that these various items will also find their way into this blog, so watch this space.

Just as a little side note here, I have realised that it is the things that feed your soul that I will be good at, at the end of the day and not the other way around.

What makes me feel like a grownup?

To manage my anxiety I had to make friends with it, and realise that it is always going to be part of my life. I had to however, make a plan to address it in the everyday things and that includes being a grownup: a mother, a colleague, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a Christian and a human being able to get out of bed in the morning and be accountable for themselves and their actions. In broad terms what I identified here was structure, and this is also something that I will drag into this conversation from time to time, as I have become a bit of a planner geek.

Mindfulness

I have realised in the last year, that this specific element, is something that so many people neglect, and perhaps now that I type here… it is something that pulls all of the above together. For me, mindfulness indicates a few simple things. A good example is that I should know that if I have too much wine, I am going to not only be hung over but also be disappointed in myself. Another is that I have learnt that I am extremely brave in text and cowardly in actual conversations. I can be blunt and insulting on a text message and say things that I will never ever say in real life.

This chat is a very early post of this blog, and I hope that it would grow from here. I still have a lot to learn about the process and many things that I want to do, but I am just leaving this here, for now.

April 20, 2020

Procrastinating with the purpose to avoid

I am a master of avoidance. Well, first procrastination and then avoidance. I am also brilliant at listing things again and again only to rewrite them on a new list the next day. Coincidentally I am also a huge fan of lists. I can also fool myself into believing that I am not avoiding something by planning for it and putting it on a list, and perhaps awarding it some form of colour coding…

I started this blog because I wanted to create a community and also as a medium to share my story in an environment where people can simply unsubscribe if they are not interested. I did a course on setting up my blog and got hosting and felt like a grownup. I posted three articles and then Tonotpics became an interesting topic on my to-do list. Changing slightly every time I wrote it down. Gems like “create planning board” and “review research topics” even to outright “write blogpost” got passed from day to day in neat handwriting. This procrastination later grew a life of its own, when I created a separate planner for my blog and made beautifully laminated dividers with craft paper, indicating the various categories I want to focus on. I downloaded blog post templates and subscribed to numerous newsletters where I got personalised emails from Dave and Steven and Ralph, wanting to give me the perfect tool to write my blog from home and, apparently, earn a living. Oh and then came the sticky notes! Colourcoded little squares of wisdom that could be stuck on my planner board.

I am writing this at a strange time in the world. We are in lockdown in South Africa due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The period was initially for 21 days but was extended for another two weeks and it honesly seems like the end is nowhere near. In South Africa lockdown entails that everything is closed, except for a few essential services. And also that we mere mortals are not allowed to leave our dwellings except to get essential supplies or go to the doctor. We are not allowed to go running or walk our dogs or walk the Lilliputians.

I work in the medical publishing environment and run a small publishing firm that does scholarly publications of medical journals. Needless to say we are also swimming in the deep end – buy at least we are swimming. Many firms have had to close at this time and their workers cannot work remotely. The Enigineer is also working from home. Which all sounds idyllic… sweatpants and slippers and Labradors everywhere. But the reality is a full-time job, Skype meetings where the one Lilliputian ran in this morning shouting “I have new underpants, Pappa!!!” and house chores that I am not accustomed to because I usually have help twice a week (yes I am spoilt, but I am used to it). There is also Labrador hair everywhere!

My sanity management in the form of running (which is, truth be told, more of a shuffle) outside, has also been taken away and I am now becoming very well acquainted with my back yard, running a little path up and down daily… measuring about 4kms. The Engineer is skipping rope, which is not a talent that was dished out to me.

I, therefore, opened a new document this afternoon because, amidst all my planning, I have lost the purpose. I realised that just starting something would perhaps be… well… a good start. I realised that I had to retrace my steps back to the purpose of this adventure.

February 12, 2020

Gratitude

Sometimes one has to share something that speaks of gratitude. Realising something about humility and that at the end of the day things tend to happen without our control or input. Not because I am deserving of anything but because of grace.

When I wrote this I had had my hearing aid for one month, 30 days. I am 36 years old. And I couldn’t believe how big an issue something so small could be for me! (Vain much??). My hearing loss is something that I have been aware of for a long time but was only now forced to address it due to various vestibular and balance issues. I have to admit that I was disappointed and even ashamed of this new official confirmation that I am in fact hard of hearing. But this whole experience has left me dumbfounded with gratitude. It has also taught me how my attitude can change my outlook on things.

Those of you who know me are well aware of my stupid baby ears. My grommets, my shingles. Stick out ears. And I am sure that as soon as you heard that I had gotten a hearing aid, you had nodded to yourselves and said “I have been saying for a long time that she doesn’t hear me”. But I actually do not want to talk about my hearing aid at all, but more about the fact that the perfect people come across our paths at the perfect time. And not only were these the perfect people but they were also prepared with the perfect attitude and advice.

My ENT, where I have frequent flyer miles, referred me to the audiologist for a full hearing screening where I was diagnosed with hearing loss of 20dB in my left ear as well as tinnitus. She took a look at my manicure colours and said “Usually I tell people that you won’t even see it. But in your case I’ll just tell you we can make it any colour you want it to be.” I was amased at all the tests included in a hearing screening and the exact mapping that goes on for the frequency definition.

So I got issued with a blue hearing aid that is small, sleek and modern, one that includes fractal music (ZEN) for the tinnitus. It has various channels for my exact hearing needs and I can control all of this with my phone. So I can now hear rather than guess.

I am grateful for a medical aid. I am grateful for a husband who keeps saying that it is exactly like glasses. And I am especially grateful for a God who just confirmed again that I worry too much and that everything is planned and sorted before I even knew that it was a problem. May you all have a weekend where you are not only blinded by the things that are wrong or negative, broken or ugly. May you rather see everything that has fallen into place, has been fixed or addressed in some way while you weren’t even looking. And may all these things leave you grateful. Because a small bit of gratitude will always lead to more.