Professional life – Page 2

March 4, 2021March 4, 2021

The value of my debrief

If you know me, or you have been following these somewhat random notes of mine, you will know that these come from the mind of an overwhelmed overthinker.

The last two weeks have presented various hurdles, of which I will not go into detail now. Let us just say that having a routine checkup on Tuesday could land you in hospital on Thursday in the midst of work and parent chaos. Also, bad things don’t always just happen in threes… It could be multiples of three. Anywhoo, so I have not had my head attached correctly for a while and thus just doing some chaotic form of crisis management. So my excuse is that I did not have time, while the truth is probably that I was in a funk and did not feel like it.

Silence and stepping away from something do however always bring some time for reflection, self-doubt and avoidance – an ongoing spiral of the overthinker.

This afternoon I finally sat down and did a debrief. The purpose was to just get everything out of my mind and onto paper. Categorise, sort and try again. A lot of the last 12 months have been dedicated to figuring out how to manage my time effectively and juggle various responsibilities. Mostly because I was overwhelmed and this caused anxiety. Many of these little discoveries have been noted on this blog. I started implementing the bullet journal method. Most days this helps me to stay on top of things. On other days, however, things happen that were not on the list.

June 3, 2020

The relief of realisation

My grandmother on my father’s side had various sayings. I was only fortunate to know her for a few years before she passed away, and now that I am 30 years the senior of that seven-year-old girl, I wish that I had the wisdom then to write some of them down. The one that I however do remember (mostly because my mother uses it a lot) is “give it a name”. This usually refers to one feeling better by just knowing what is causing the symptoms of illness.

Time and time again I find this to be true in my own life. Not only because I do not deal well with uncertainty or unpredictability, but because I can better deal with things when I know what it is that I am dealing with. Even if the news is bad, I would rather have it than not knowing.

In my entries, I have touched upon a long road that finally led to the right people who helped me towards my diagnosis of inner ear problems and vestibular issues and I remember that when my hearing loss was finally diagnosed that I went from disappointed in an irreversible change to relief in the fact that I now knew what was causing the various problems. Regarding the secondary vestibular issues and the rehabilitation that followed, this was something that could be addressed and fixed. And it would not have been possible if it wasn’t given a name.

As the structure of my life and everything in it changes, I find that I have to review the things that I track every now and again. For example, when I started my habbit tracker, I included my alcohol consumption there, and it was only then that I realised that upon occasion this triggered other problems, because I could actually see and compare these occurances. When I researched the various methods of habit tracking the following stuck with me: “you cannot manage what you do not measure”. Simply stated that things will not just go away if you ignore it.

In June I am trying to extend my mindfulness with a mood tracker. Mostly because I want to know why some days are worse than others. I am also trying to identify triggers. By simply acknowledging that on the days that I sleep in my day is upside down, I can manage that, and at least blame myself if this does happen.

I was reminded again today of the relief of finding something that works. I think a good example of this when someone has to try various combinations of anti depressants before they find the one that does the job. My hearing aid has a zen music programme. This is something that is on the list for research and will be discussed here in-depth at some stage, but for today I realised that it also works well to block out the everyday noise allowing me to focus on important work. I have now been wearing Bluebottle for a year, and have actually only truly appreciated this feature during the lockdown period, where I am working from home amidst the noise of the Lilliputians’ war cries and the Skype meetings of the Engineer. Being focused on an actual task and being able to tick things off the list systematically also helps to cancel out the “noise” of the guilty conscience, because the day was spent moving forward.

As I am writing this I am fully aware that not all things can be changed or fixed or addressed, but I do believe that a little bit of mindfulness allows me to manage them. Here are some ways:

Avoid some triggers that cause anxiety
Prioritising time to do things that I love
Identifying the things that are productive but don’t feel like it
Acknowledging that just because I skipped a week of blogging or a day of exercise does not mean that all the effort is now null and void.
Plan… even if it just to make myself feel in control.
Do not disregard or minimise the things that you feel by making it trivial, feelings are real, and we need to move through them not ignore them.

Five bad minutes in a day does not a bad day make.

May 6, 2020

The comparison compromise

I have been putting in some time and thought… or thought and time (which comes first?) to trying to be a little ahead of things. Being anxious about everything can sometimes overwhelm logical thought and feeling and, frankly, make intelligent people stupid and illogical.

Just a little side note: This entry is still written in a very uncertain time… we are still in lockdown and still working remotely and still trying to do everything and find some balance where there is none.

I also believe that that is when the devil comes to tug at the frayed edges of our insecurities and tell us lies about ourselves and our loved ones. Making us hear things that simply aren’t true or that was not said in a perceived manner.

One of the most annoying past times that my busy mind likes to run with is the comparison game. This is something that I believe is quite common, and something that takes on different characters all through our lives.

Rebecca Webber writes on Psychology Today about the Comparison Trap and the tricks that our mind plays on us when you fall down this rabbit hole.

When I was in school the comparison was related to my weight, my marks, my popularity. When I was in university I was concerned with my grades and other study areas and what people think of the institution I study at. When I started working, it was related to salary. When I married it was all about the image that we put forward. When I started running it was a comparison with myself and when I became a mother… oh goodness, the things that our mind does to us when we become a mother. So.. first of all we had a really hard time falling pregnant… which was a circus in itself, because it is like people expect things to happen at a certain time… or they really don’t know what else to talk about. So the batting of tactless questions became a frequent pastime.

We had been married for 10 years when I fell pregnant with twins. It was quite a game-changer! They are now almost three and they are fantastic, but I have to admit, just this morning I looked in the mirror and had to give myself a little pep talk. “You are the CEO of a company, you have a fantastic job, you are smart and interesting and witty and you know… stuff. You are caring and not entirely overweight and….” So it went on.

To me, it feels like, when you become a mother (I am saying mother because I don’t know what it is like to be a father), you suddenly lose your whole identity and everything that you thought you were and you have to fit into this new, responsible, unpredictable role.

Just this morning over the one’s breakdown about the wrong bowl, I was texting with a friend saying that today I am having a hard time… probably looking for some sympathy or trying to exchange war stories when the reply came back “I am not trying to be funny here, but my children always understood the word “no””. I have since then thought about a million replies. And had to admit, that my kids very seldom understand or adhere to the word no. And it being a rough morning, trying to work and get them to be quiet during a telecom and generally not stabbing anyone with a fork I have to admit I had little cry into my coffee.

And then it started.

Not only did I compare myself with other mothers, but I also started comparing the Lilliputians with other children and their behaviour and their intelligence and and and… down the rabbit hole, I went. So four minutes into my mental rant my house was suddenly in the wrong neigbourhood and I was too old to be a parent of two-year-olds, and not strict enough and not caring enough and they don’t eat enough fruit and they are not going to be able to do x and do too much of y… Goodness. It is exhausting to be an overthinker. You can just imagine what getting my hearing aid did to me :).

So I sat down, and I took a breath and I took out my little list, which I would like to share with you. This is my brain dump list (a term which I hate and need to find another word for) and a few things which tend to drag me back to reality. This list has changed a few times over the last months but in essence, it goes like this:

What items need to be added to your task list?
What do you feel good about today? (what did you find beautiful; what made you smile; what made you proud?)
What needs to be addressed / what needs to be worked on? (what was challenging/difficult; what failed?)
Changes (positive or negative) that you want to comment on?
What are you looking forward to?
What are you dreading?
What are you avoiding?
Are you doing something creative? (also comments)
Why do you journal?

These few points tend to create some context in my chaos and always makes me realise that the only reality that I know is my own. The world and social media and the devil tend to spread lies and also make us believe lies about ourselves. I mean sure, my kids don’t always listen to no, but they don’t sleep in my bed. My little girl struggles with her speech but she eats everything. And then, even if I am having a bad day, it does not define my life, it is probably 5 bad minutes within a beautiful day. And also, that my friend’s comment was perhaps not meant unkindly… it was probably just something to say.

So, if I then put myself in my own sneakers, and remember that if I evaluate this honestly, I am just doing the best I can… trying every day to do better… then there is very little honesty in comparison. And perhaps if I approach every one else with this belief, that we are all doing the best we can, there should only be trust… and kindness.

April 20, 2020

Procrastinating with the purpose to avoid

I am a master of avoidance. Well, first procrastination and then avoidance. I am also brilliant at listing things again and again only to rewrite them on a new list the next day. Coincidentally I am also a huge fan of lists. I can also fool myself into believing that I am not avoiding something by planning for it and putting it on a list, and perhaps awarding it some form of colour coding…

I started this blog because I wanted to create a community and also as a medium to share my story in an environment where people can simply unsubscribe if they are not interested. I did a course on setting up my blog and got hosting and felt like a grownup. I posted three articles and then Tonotpics became an interesting topic on my to-do list. Changing slightly every time I wrote it down. Gems like “create planning board” and “review research topics” even to outright “write blogpost” got passed from day to day in neat handwriting. This procrastination later grew a life of its own, when I created a separate planner for my blog and made beautifully laminated dividers with craft paper, indicating the various categories I want to focus on. I downloaded blog post templates and subscribed to numerous newsletters where I got personalised emails from Dave and Steven and Ralph, wanting to give me the perfect tool to write my blog from home and, apparently, earn a living. Oh and then came the sticky notes! Colourcoded little squares of wisdom that could be stuck on my planner board.

I am writing this at a strange time in the world. We are in lockdown in South Africa due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The period was initially for 21 days but was extended for another two weeks and it honesly seems like the end is nowhere near. In South Africa lockdown entails that everything is closed, except for a few essential services. And also that we mere mortals are not allowed to leave our dwellings except to get essential supplies or go to the doctor. We are not allowed to go running or walk our dogs or walk the Lilliputians.

I work in the medical publishing environment and run a small publishing firm that does scholarly publications of medical journals. Needless to say we are also swimming in the deep end – buy at least we are swimming. Many firms have had to close at this time and their workers cannot work remotely. The Enigineer is also working from home. Which all sounds idyllic… sweatpants and slippers and Labradors everywhere. But the reality is a full-time job, Skype meetings where the one Lilliputian ran in this morning shouting “I have new underpants, Pappa!!!” and house chores that I am not accustomed to because I usually have help twice a week (yes I am spoilt, but I am used to it). There is also Labrador hair everywhere!

My sanity management in the form of running (which is, truth be told, more of a shuffle) outside, has also been taken away and I am now becoming very well acquainted with my back yard, running a little path up and down daily… measuring about 4kms. The Engineer is skipping rope, which is not a talent that was dished out to me.

I, therefore, opened a new document this afternoon because, amidst all my planning, I have lost the purpose. I realised that just starting something would perhaps be… well… a good start. I realised that I had to retrace my steps back to the purpose of this adventure.

February 12, 2020October 2, 2020

About the writer, author, friend…

The title

Tonotopic refers to the “anatomic organisation by which specific sound frequencies are received by specific receptors in the inner ear with nerve impulses traveling along selected pathways to specific sites in the brain” (Miriam Webster).

If we split the word into its’ different parts, topic comes from the Greek word topos, meaning place. Tonotopic can thus be simplified as “the place of tones”. This place can refer to where the sound is received, transmitted or perceived, which is the cochlea or the auditory cortex – the part of the brain that receives and interprets sound.