In recent months I have become a little obsessed with planning and scheduling, lists and sticky notes. South Africa is now on the 45th day of the National lockdown and the additional responsibilities have multiplied the lists. Up to a point of over management (there are lists for the lists).
*My apologies for another post focused on the lockdown but “[…] the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”.
I have always known that I am not good with change. I feel that if you at least acknowledge it, and warn others, then it can be managed (or adequately ignored). So seeing as the Engineer knows this about my little obsession (17 years of lessons) he is not too phased with the lists and plans and the sticky notes. My colleagues love the planner in me, due to the nature of our work and the Lilliputians, well they are too small to care, they probably think that it is like this in every household.
The challenge, however, came in when I started to annoy myself. I took up a form of bullet journaling in April of last year. I did some research on the topic and the various options and started my planner with a clean slate. The daily pages have changed numerous times, depending on my priorities and at the beginning of 2020 I thought that I should get a quote and have my pages printed because they are now exactly how I want them: A double-page spread per day, right-hand side work to do/done and left-hand side split into a section for the emotional stuff, the physical stuff and then a to-do/done section for personal things and home things. Every week had a menu planner and a shopping list and every month had a habit tracker. There were sections for the various areas of my work and things were neatly compartmentalised, documented and colour-coded. And then things changed. And it kicked my ass.
So suddenly my habit tracker was not applicable anymore, because in the complete lockdown I could not go for a run, so no boxes to highlight there. I tracked my online spending, which came to a standstill in the lockdown because things could either not be bought or not be delivered. My personal to-do which use to include things like a manicure appointment or a girls’ night once a month or a dinner party at our house, now included things like changing the sheets and mopping the floors and making sure that the kids are attending the Zoom music classes.
So yes, the habit tracker became a cleaning schedule and the water tracker became hours logged for work and my plan… well it changed into something else.
For more than a month now I have struggled with this. I have felt guilty because I have struggled and complained about things that other people manage in their stride. I have been ticking things off and other days I have been disappointed in myself because I could not. I have been picking fights with the Engineer and my kids because all the boxes were not ticked.
And then, in a chat with someone (yes, someone I pay money to help me figure these things out) the following seed was planted: in a time where you have no control over something that is changing everything, you would have to change some of your priorities and your focus. I find this to be especially true because everything is now in one place: work and home and school and dance studio all have the same address. And also because I struggle to do things in the same amount of time than I use to at the office. So things that used to be very possible are now impossible. So I had to start with a clean slate again. Adapt my mind and my planning and my lists to things that are necessary and relevant and important now.
I have therefore taken some time in the small hours and made a list of the things that lockdown has taught me thus far – the lockdown lessons. Here are a few of the items:
- You miss a lot of your kids’ development and growing up during office hours, and this time with them is a gift and a blessing.
- I can now fold a fitted sheet.
- Just because things take longer does not mean I am doing it wrong.
- I do better on the days that I get up and get dressed and tackle the list than the days when I try to sleep a little later and start the workday in my PJs.
- I will always be a planning listmaker even if the environment changes – and that’s OK.
- I love cooking with my family (we have had something else on the menu every night of lockdown and tried many new recipes thus far. Dinner around the table is the best part of my day).
- I love my dance classes not only for the dancing but also for the vibe and the people and I miss them all terribly.
- Cleaning the oven is really hard.
- There is a lot to be said for a day where you know you don’t have to go anywhere and I often don’t appreciate that enough.
- The Engineer would happily remain in lockdown for the rest of the year because it means that he does not have to shave.
The list goes on and grows daily.
I realise that my personal experience during this time is somewhat irrelevant and the change that I experience is minuscule when placed next to the everlasting change in the economy and the world. But I have also learned that one should not dismiss the things that challenge you or make things hard by saying that it is not important or not comparable to the situation of others. By saying that you say that you are not important and ignore the truth that people deal with different things in different ways.