“. . .the grand tour is just the inspired man’s way of heading home.”
– Paul Theroux
If you could go anywhere, be anywhere, on your own… where would it be?
If I were to be left alone somewhere I would pick a place with dunes. I have always loved the ocean but it was only later in my life that I realised that love affair was more with the dunes than the water. I love the shapes that are drawn on them by the wind. I love how they are always in motion even if they seem to be still. I love that they are never the same from moment to moment. And the ones that I am familiar with have a view of the ocean. So if I were to be left in solitude somewhere to think about a few things… it would be somewhere with dunes.
I came across the term walkabout as the definition of a spiritual journey, where boys go to live on their own in the wild for approximately six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood. I understand it to be an effort to throw these boys into the deep end and make the teach themselves how to swim.
I recently read the word used in a somewhat different context, where a young man was sent away by his young wife because he seemed confused about who he was and what he wanted. She believed that he needed time to figure these things out before he could be truly happy with her.
I think this concept is something that can either happen at a designated time in your life, like a gap year after school or before you get married or before you have children. But sometimes a believe that events may also push us in a direction where we need to figure ourselves out again. A sudden change or bad news, or any such life-changing event. An injury, diagnosis or loss… People may need to do different things to find themselves to be their own home again.
This got me thinking (as things do)…
But what if we (and I mean me) were entitled to a period of six months where you could just take some time and figure out who you are and who you want to be and also who you were intended to be and be with? What is it exactly that I would want to figure out?
So yes, you got it. I made a list of the lists:
What are the things in my life that I am the proudest of?
What are the blessings that were handed to me, undeservedly?
What aspects of my being make me an excellent daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, employee…?
What are the things that need to be addressed because they make me a horrible daughter, sister… human being?
What do I love about me?
What energises me?
What calms me down?
What do I value the most?
What needs to be cherished and what needs to be discarded?
In essence: what would be my home?
I am sure this list will grow and go on and change… as I change. But I would love to have it grow from a single core. That which I have figured out to be the best version of me and also the worst version of me. I guess I am trying to say that some questions can only be answered if I truly know who I am.
Even if I did not have the luxury of six months and no distractions for a walkabout, I have, up to now, been having this beautiful and horrible life; Threading experiences and lessons and people and music together into something like a patterned table cloth that is me. And I believe that the answers to the questions on my list will always define my home… when I find myself on a walkabout, I would know where to go.