July 2020 – Tonotopics

Have you ever felt the need to open the pamphlet of your medication because you were experiencing something weird and wanted to see if it was one of the side effects? Usually, within two minutes you can convince yourself that you are dying. The same happens if you Google symptoms. Well, to me anyway. These last few weeks I have been on a bit of an emotional tumble and found myself, more than once, confused and disoriented. This lead to anxiety which led to a few days of being very down.

Today I, however, decided that I am allowing this no more! When looking at the symptoms of a vestibular disorder the following are listed on vestibular.org:

Vertigo and dizziness
Imbalance and spatial disorientation
Vision disturbance
Hearing changes
Cognitive and/or psychological changes

I certainly tick all the boxes. The last few days I have however especially had difficulty concentrating and just getting myself to focus.

This post is, therefore, the first effort in getting things back on track. My own way of being assertive. And also a way to admit that my side effects are also due to the situation of isolation and monotony.

All of the above symptoms are also exaggerated when one’s immune system is a little compromised and when one is tired. This time of isolation has pushed me into exhaustion. We have missed our annual mid-year break because we cannot go anywhere and both the engineer and I are working weird hours because the work is now at home and we cannot quite stop. I have also realised that the days are all the same. There is nothing to look forward to. I also believe that this realm of uncertainty is also taking its toll. Even if we were to know that there will be four more months of this… at least we could be excited about what happens after that. I am trapped in uncertainty.

It took me almost 40 years to learn that if you decide to do something and something goes wrong, that is not a reason to can the whole project. Our lives are probably made up of all the little bits of imperfection that we had to shape into something else. I, therefore, ascribe the above list of symptoms as physical symptoms exaggerated by a bit of an emotional tumble.

So today I am picking myself up and dusting my knees off. I am admitting that I have more than just stumbled but have actually fallen and am grateful that I can at least continue on the path. I paged through my notes and started looking for specific things on the better days… things that were within my power to pull myself back towards myself. These include:

Dinner planning: I have written a little about the family dinners during lockdown and have a scheduled post on the menu coming soon. We are currently on day 125 and we have had 114 unique meals (the missing days were mostly filled with leftovers). It is a simple thing to have something to look forward to.

Exercise: The engineer and I got into a very nice running schedule, which I believe is one of the plusses of lockdown. With both of us working from home we can easily fit this onto our day. On the non-running days, I try to do something else, like pilates (through Fitnessblender.com) or dancing. This has however been neglected and I realise that this is one of those things that I should just do. So on a random Wednesday, I am scheduling some exercise time for the coming week.

Socialise: Not being able to have friends and family over has been very difficult for me. I am a social animal and I miss these events that we took for granted not so long ago. Luckily in today’s day and age, there are a lot of ways to interact.

Doing something creative: One of my very close friends started a Whatsapp group at the beginning of 2018. She invited all her friends that had some creative inclinations to post on there whenever they have finished a project. This group has grown and evolved and I have been inspired by so many beautiful things and so many beautiful people. On any given Saturday you would for example see the birthday cake that someone baked for their five-year-old and also follow a conversation on the best way to get craft glue out of a carpet. Late afternoon someone may post a recipe for a cocktail and another would brag about their colouring efforts. This group is full of love and encouragement and ideas and it has taught me how important it is to do something that is not “work”. Something that pushes the boundaries of the imagination a little.

Physiotherapy: What can I say? The exercises… do them!

Read: I have to admit that in the last few weeks I have been escaping from my days by going to sleep early and not reading. And as I type this I realise that it is time for a new book.

In short… find something in the day to look forward to… even if you feel a little trapped. That way there is some movement forward… even if you feel like you are standing still. I apologise if I am repeating myself… take this as confirmation that it worked the first time too.

When searching for definitions for accountability, I found them all relating to a political environment, a business environment… but what about a personal environment?

Have you ever flown a kite? Recently my situation felt a little like a ship in a storm, and then I decided to make the reality a little smaller. If I am responsible for myself, my own happiness and health and actions, I would prefer to think of it as flying a kite. I may not have control over the weather and the wind and the environment, but I can choose where I want to fly my kite, who I want to invite. I can also choose to some days not fly my kite because I know that the weather is awful. I am also in control of holding on… or letting go. And all these things make me accountable for my decision of flying a kite.

This year in all has forced me to sit down and review my responsibilities. (See, I could have made this post the “responsibility review” as well). This (yet another) list was initially an exercise given by my psychologist, gently pushing me to come to a realisation that she had already had: I feel responsible for things that I am not responsible for. I am trying to fly other people’s kites as well and therefore not holding on too well to my own.

I am one of those people who will apologise even if something was not my fault, simply to clear the air. I therefore very easily think that people are angry with me even if they are not.

The train of thought’s departing station was with a list of things in my life that I was not happy with. Some friendships were not healthy, there was the pressure that I unnecessarily placed on myself. Also on the list: physical things about myself that I was not happy with, including unhealthy habits, etc. etc. … it went on and on.

The point of this post is not to list them all and indicate how I got over myself J. The point is to admit that I realised that some things in my life, which I blamed on many other things and other people, were my own doing. My own responsibility and that I had to hold myself accountable for these. A simple example, I was not happy with my weight, I blamed it on having the Lilliputians and my age and many other things and when I realised that I was the only one who could do something about this… my mindset changed, which has had a positive influence on my exercise regime and in turn has had a positive influence on my mental health as well.

The opposite then also became clear. Many things in my life were… well, not actually in my life. They were the responsibility of others and therefore others were to be held accountable. I am not responsible for other people’s actions, or their feelings about mine. I cannot hold the fragile threads of friendship together by myself and I, unfortunately, gently, had to let it go.

In a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago, we chatted about the pressures that we put on ourselves as adults. She said that she is now focusing only on what she can do in her immediate environment and I thought that that was a very healthy outlook: a simple one day at a time approach. This is still something that I strive for, a mind that can handle things one day at a time.

So my new kiteflying picture brought me into a different reality where I can now much easier distinguish between the things that I am responsible for, the things that I can be blamed for, the things that I should and can apologise for… and the things that I needn’t put on this list. As soon as it is a situation where more than one person needs to be hanging on the the twine… or even should be flying their own kite… I can safely let it go.

Therefore, when I feel responsible for something I first review what was within my own control. What I could have done better, or worse, what can I take credit for? I, therefore, do an accountability audit. And within this simple mindset change, I am no longer blaming myself or others. I am simply taking responsibility for my own beliefs, my own values, my own actions.

Month: July 2020

The side effect situation – isolation and monotony

The accountability audit