When searching for definitions for accountability, I found them all relating to a political environment, a business environment… but what about a personal environment?
Have you ever flown a kite? Recently my situation felt a little like a ship in a storm, and then I decided to make the reality a little smaller. If I am responsible for myself, my own happiness and health and actions, I would prefer to think of it as flying a kite. I may not have control over the weather and the wind and the environment, but I can choose where I want to fly my kite, who I want to invite. I can also choose to some days not fly my kite because I know that the weather is awful. I am also in control of holding on… or letting go. And all these things make me accountable for my decision of flying a kite.
This year in all has forced me to sit down and review my responsibilities. (See, I could have made this post the “responsibility review” as well). This (yet another) list was initially an exercise given by my psychologist, gently pushing me to come to a realisation that she had already had: I feel responsible for things that I am not responsible for. I am trying to fly other people’s kites as well and therefore not holding on too well to my own.
I am one of those people who will apologise even if something was not my fault, simply to clear the air. I therefore very easily think that people are angry with me even if they are not.
The train of thought’s departing station was with a list of things in my life that I was not happy with. Some friendships were not healthy, there was the pressure that I unnecessarily placed on myself. Also on the list: physical things about myself that I was not happy with, including unhealthy habits, etc. etc. … it went on and on.
The point of this post is not to list them all and indicate how I got over myself J. The point is to admit that I realised that some things in my life, which I blamed on many other things and other people, were my own doing. My own responsibility and that I had to hold myself accountable for these. A simple example, I was not happy with my weight, I blamed it on having the Lilliputians and my age and many other things and when I realised that I was the only one who could do something about this… my mindset changed, which has had a positive influence on my exercise regime and in turn has had a positive influence on my mental health as well.
The opposite then also became clear. Many things in my life were… well, not actually in my life. They were the responsibility of others and therefore others were to be held accountable. I am not responsible for other people’s actions, or their feelings about mine. I cannot hold the fragile threads of friendship together by myself and I, unfortunately, gently, had to let it go.
In a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago, we chatted about the pressures that we put on ourselves as adults. She said that she is now focusing only on what she can do in her immediate environment and I thought that that was a very healthy outlook: a simple one day at a time approach. This is still something that I strive for, a mind that can handle things one day at a time.
So my new kiteflying picture brought me into a different reality where I can now much easier distinguish between the things that I am responsible for, the things that I can be blamed for, the things that I should and can apologise for… and the things that I needn’t put on this list. As soon as it is a situation where more than one person needs to be hanging on the the twine… or even should be flying their own kite… I can safely let it go.
Therefore, when I feel responsible for something I first review what was within my own control. What I could have done better, or worse, what can I take credit for? I, therefore, do an accountability audit. And within this simple mindset change, I am no longer blaming myself or others. I am simply taking responsibility for my own beliefs, my own values, my own actions.