Ina Du Toit – Page 19

July 29, 2020

The side effect situation – isolation and monotony

Have you ever felt the need to open the pamphlet of your medication because you were experiencing something weird and wanted to see if it was one of the side effects? Usually, within two minutes you can convince yourself that you are dying. The same happens if you Google symptoms. Well, to me anyway. These last few weeks I have been on a bit of an emotional tumble and found myself, more than once, confused and disoriented. This lead to anxiety which led to a few days of being very down.

Today I, however, decided that I am allowing this no more! When looking at the symptoms of a vestibular disorder the following are listed on vestibular.org:

Vertigo and dizziness
Imbalance and spatial disorientation
Vision disturbance
Hearing changes
Cognitive and/or psychological changes

I certainly tick all the boxes. The last few days I have however especially had difficulty concentrating and just getting myself to focus.

This post is, therefore, the first effort in getting things back on track. My own way of being assertive. And also a way to admit that my side effects are also due to the situation of isolation and monotony.

All of the above symptoms are also exaggerated when one’s immune system is a little compromised and when one is tired. This time of isolation has pushed me into exhaustion. We have missed our annual mid-year break because we cannot go anywhere and both the engineer and I are working weird hours because the work is now at home and we cannot quite stop. I have also realised that the days are all the same. There is nothing to look forward to. I also believe that this realm of uncertainty is also taking its toll. Even if we were to know that there will be four more months of this… at least we could be excited about what happens after that. I am trapped in uncertainty.

It took me almost 40 years to learn that if you decide to do something and something goes wrong, that is not a reason to can the whole project. Our lives are probably made up of all the little bits of imperfection that we had to shape into something else. I, therefore, ascribe the above list of symptoms as physical symptoms exaggerated by a bit of an emotional tumble.

So today I am picking myself up and dusting my knees off. I am admitting that I have more than just stumbled but have actually fallen and am grateful that I can at least continue on the path. I paged through my notes and started looking for specific things on the better days… things that were within my power to pull myself back towards myself. These include:

Dinner planning: I have written a little about the family dinners during lockdown and have a scheduled post on the menu coming soon. We are currently on day 125 and we have had 114 unique meals (the missing days were mostly filled with leftovers). It is a simple thing to have something to look forward to.

Exercise: The engineer and I got into a very nice running schedule, which I believe is one of the plusses of lockdown. With both of us working from home we can easily fit this onto our day. On the non-running days, I try to do something else, like pilates (through Fitnessblender.com) or dancing. This has however been neglected and I realise that this is one of those things that I should just do. So on a random Wednesday, I am scheduling some exercise time for the coming week.

Socialise: Not being able to have friends and family over has been very difficult for me. I am a social animal and I miss these events that we took for granted not so long ago. Luckily in today’s day and age, there are a lot of ways to interact.

Doing something creative: One of my very close friends started a Whatsapp group at the beginning of 2018. She invited all her friends that had some creative inclinations to post on there whenever they have finished a project. This group has grown and evolved and I have been inspired by so many beautiful things and so many beautiful people. On any given Saturday you would for example see the birthday cake that someone baked for their five-year-old and also follow a conversation on the best way to get craft glue out of a carpet. Late afternoon someone may post a recipe for a cocktail and another would brag about their colouring efforts. This group is full of love and encouragement and ideas and it has taught me how important it is to do something that is not “work”. Something that pushes the boundaries of the imagination a little.

Physiotherapy: What can I say? The exercises… do them!

Read: I have to admit that in the last few weeks I have been escaping from my days by going to sleep early and not reading. And as I type this I realise that it is time for a new book.

In short… find something in the day to look forward to… even if you feel a little trapped. That way there is some movement forward… even if you feel like you are standing still. I apologise if I am repeating myself… take this as confirmation that it worked the first time too.

July 9, 2020September 9, 2020

The accountability audit

When searching for definitions for accountability, I found them all relating to a political environment, a business environment… but what about a personal environment?

Have you ever flown a kite? Recently my situation felt a little like a ship in a storm, and then I decided to make the reality a little smaller. If I am responsible for myself, my own happiness and health and actions, I would prefer to think of it as flying a kite. I may not have control over the weather and the wind and the environment, but I can choose where I want to fly my kite, who I want to invite. I can also choose to some days not fly my kite because I know that the weather is awful. I am also in control of holding on… or letting go. And all these things make me accountable for my decision of flying a kite.

This year in all has forced me to sit down and review my responsibilities. (See, I could have made this post the “responsibility review” as well). This (yet another) list was initially an exercise given by my psychologist, gently pushing me to come to a realisation that she had already had: I feel responsible for things that I am not responsible for. I am trying to fly other people’s kites as well and therefore not holding on too well to my own.

I am one of those people who will apologise even if something was not my fault, simply to clear the air. I therefore very easily think that people are angry with me even if they are not.

The train of thought’s departing station was with a list of things in my life that I was not happy with. Some friendships were not healthy, there was the pressure that I unnecessarily placed on myself. Also on the list: physical things about myself that I was not happy with, including unhealthy habits, etc. etc. … it went on and on.

The point of this post is not to list them all and indicate how I got over myself J. The point is to admit that I realised that some things in my life, which I blamed on many other things and other people, were my own doing. My own responsibility and that I had to hold myself accountable for these. A simple example, I was not happy with my weight, I blamed it on having the Lilliputians and my age and many other things and when I realised that I was the only one who could do something about this… my mindset changed, which has had a positive influence on my exercise regime and in turn has had a positive influence on my mental health as well.

The opposite then also became clear. Many things in my life were… well, not actually in my life. They were the responsibility of others and therefore others were to be held accountable. I am not responsible for other people’s actions, or their feelings about mine. I cannot hold the fragile threads of friendship together by myself and I, unfortunately, gently, had to let it go.

In a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago, we chatted about the pressures that we put on ourselves as adults. She said that she is now focusing only on what she can do in her immediate environment and I thought that that was a very healthy outlook: a simple one day at a time approach. This is still something that I strive for, a mind that can handle things one day at a time.

So my new kiteflying picture brought me into a different reality where I can now much easier distinguish between the things that I am responsible for, the things that I can be blamed for, the things that I should and can apologise for… and the things that I needn’t put on this list. As soon as it is a situation where more than one person needs to be hanging on the the twine… or even should be flying their own kite… I can safely let it go.

Therefore, when I feel responsible for something I first review what was within my own control. What I could have done better, or worse, what can I take credit for? I, therefore, do an accountability audit. And within this simple mindset change, I am no longer blaming myself or others. I am simply taking responsibility for my own beliefs, my own values, my own actions.

June 23, 2020

Recovering the satellites

The mood is currently low and slow and I am somewhat annoyed by a satellite like spinning behind my left eyebrow. I am off balance. Physically and mentally. My lists have become too long and my sleep interrupted.

When I dreamed up this conversation and the various topics, the seed was my vestibular rehabilitation therapy (VRT). Up to now, I have chatted about various emotional things but today I intend to get a little academic. Predominantly because the last few weeks have plummeted me into unhealthy old habits and I realised that my lousy mood is being fueled by some old acquaintances, that needed to be put in place. A vague spinning somewhere just out of sight and a sensation that my bed has been washed out to sea. So I dug out the worksheets and started my rehab from scratch.

So some context to my situation currently: South Africa is still in a lockdown situation where we are not allowed to socialise, go to church, go to restaurants and our schools are still closed. We cannot see our families. I cannot go to my dance classes. I am therefore still a full-time boss, full-time employee and full-time mother to the three-year-old Lilliputians. I am tired and somewhat sad and feeling guilty about everything… that I am not spending enough time with the Lilliputians when I am working, that I am not working enough when I am spending time with them, that the housework is not perfect, that the Engineer never gets to see me with makeup anymore… I am sure you can see how this can spiral!

What I can however do now that we could not do at the beginning of lockdown is run… which we do and which I am grateful for.

Bluebottle, the hearing aid, had its one year birthday in May and had to go for his annual service. The first interesting thing that the audiologist noted was that my reaction time in the hearing test was overall, a bit delayed. When compared to the graph from 2019 it was lower and slower throughout. And thus my audiologist visit turned into a bit of a therapy session as well when she pointed out, immediately, that I must be tired.

This low mood was then pulled into the depths of misery when a cold front hit and took the sunshine from our otherwise mild winter. It was cold, I was cold and the Liliiputians could not play outside. They are not made to stay indoors. That Saturday morning found me not wanting to get out of bed because I could not stand upright and I realised that something was off balance… literally – me.

The problem was first picked up by my director who is also a medical doctor and noticed that my one eye was a little slow. He did what doctors do (even though not usually in a staff meeting) and started asking all the questions. My symptoms were:

I am not going to drag you through the whole process but what I can tell you is that I felt like I was back in school and could not do the most basic of things… follow something with my eyes and I have to admit that that realization was the hardest part of all. The rehab took me through a 3-month process with daily exercises that I had to do with a stopwatch and a few sticky notes. Stupid little eye and head movements that were, initially, impossible. After feeling like a complete idiot the first two sessions I at least started to laugh at myself which was half the battle won.

That was now a year ago. A year that brought more work and home responsibility, more pressure and a lot more stress. This pandemic also brought uncertainty and interfered with my bulleted, tracked, planned out routine. All these factors plummeted me back into my original symtoms and I realised that it was time to reset a few things. Starting with the stopwatch and the sticky notes. Today is day 7. It gets worse before it gets better. Or… I hope that is what is going on anyway because the alternative is that it is just getting worse. The mood is thus low and slow and I am somewhat annoyed by a satellite like spinning behind my left eyebrow.

June 3, 2020

The relief of realisation

My grandmother on my father’s side had various sayings. I was only fortunate to know her for a few years before she passed away, and now that I am 30 years the senior of that seven-year-old girl, I wish that I had the wisdom then to write some of them down. The one that I however do remember (mostly because my mother uses it a lot) is “give it a name”. This usually refers to one feeling better by just knowing what is causing the symptoms of illness.

Time and time again I find this to be true in my own life. Not only because I do not deal well with uncertainty or unpredictability, but because I can better deal with things when I know what it is that I am dealing with. Even if the news is bad, I would rather have it than not knowing.

In my entries, I have touched upon a long road that finally led to the right people who helped me towards my diagnosis of inner ear problems and vestibular issues and I remember that when my hearing loss was finally diagnosed that I went from disappointed in an irreversible change to relief in the fact that I now knew what was causing the various problems. Regarding the secondary vestibular issues and the rehabilitation that followed, this was something that could be addressed and fixed. And it would not have been possible if it wasn’t given a name.

As the structure of my life and everything in it changes, I find that I have to review the things that I track every now and again. For example, when I started my habbit tracker, I included my alcohol consumption there, and it was only then that I realised that upon occasion this triggered other problems, because I could actually see and compare these occurances. When I researched the various methods of habit tracking the following stuck with me: “you cannot manage what you do not measure”. Simply stated that things will not just go away if you ignore it.

In June I am trying to extend my mindfulness with a mood tracker. Mostly because I want to know why some days are worse than others. I am also trying to identify triggers. By simply acknowledging that on the days that I sleep in my day is upside down, I can manage that, and at least blame myself if this does happen.

I was reminded again today of the relief of finding something that works. I think a good example of this when someone has to try various combinations of anti depressants before they find the one that does the job. My hearing aid has a zen music programme. This is something that is on the list for research and will be discussed here in-depth at some stage, but for today I realised that it also works well to block out the everyday noise allowing me to focus on important work. I have now been wearing Bluebottle for a year, and have actually only truly appreciated this feature during the lockdown period, where I am working from home amidst the noise of the Lilliputians’ war cries and the Skype meetings of the Engineer. Being focused on an actual task and being able to tick things off the list systematically also helps to cancel out the “noise” of the guilty conscience, because the day was spent moving forward.

As I am writing this I am fully aware that not all things can be changed or fixed or addressed, but I do believe that a little bit of mindfulness allows me to manage them. Here are some ways:

Avoid some triggers that cause anxiety
Prioritising time to do things that I love
Identifying the things that are productive but don’t feel like it
Acknowledging that just because I skipped a week of blogging or a day of exercise does not mean that all the effort is now null and void.
Plan… even if it just to make myself feel in control.
Do not disregard or minimise the things that you feel by making it trivial, feelings are real, and we need to move through them not ignore them.

Five bad minutes in a day does not a bad day make.

May 18, 2020September 9, 2020

Walkabout

“. . .the grand tour is just the inspired man’s way of heading home.”
– Paul Theroux

If you could go anywhere, be anywhere, on your own… where would it be?

If I were to be left alone somewhere I would pick a place with dunes. I have always loved the ocean but it was only later in my life that I realised that love affair was more with the dunes than the water. I love the shapes that are drawn on them by the wind. I love how they are always in motion even if they seem to be still. I love that they are never the same from moment to moment. And the ones that I am familiar with have a view of the ocean. So if I were to be left in solitude somewhere to think about a few things… it would be somewhere with dunes.

I came across the term walkabout as the definition of a spiritual journey, where boys go to live on their own in the wild for approximately six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood. I understand it to be an effort to throw these boys into the deep end and make the teach themselves how to swim.

I recently read the word used in a somewhat different context, where a young man was sent away by his young wife because he seemed confused about who he was and what he wanted. She believed that he needed time to figure these things out before he could be truly happy with her.

I think this concept is something that can either happen at a designated time in your life, like a gap year after school or before you get married or before you have children. But sometimes a believe that events may also push us in a direction where we need to figure ourselves out again. A sudden change or bad news, or any such life-changing event. An injury, diagnosis or loss… People may need to do different things to find themselves to be their own home again.

This got me thinking (as things do)…

But what if we (and I mean me) were entitled to a period of six months where you could just take some time and figure out who you are and who you want to be and also who you were intended to be and be with? What is it exactly that I would want to figure out?

So yes, you got it. I made a list of the lists:

What are the things in my life that I am the proudest of?

What are the blessings that were handed to me, undeservedly?

What aspects of my being make me an excellent daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, employee…?

What are the things that need to be addressed because they make me a horrible daughter, sister… human being?

What do I love about me?

What energises me?

What calms me down?

What do I value the most?

What needs to be cherished and what needs to be discarded?

In essence: what would be my home?

I am sure this list will grow and go on and change… as I change. But I would love to have it grow from a single core. That which I have figured out to be the best version of me and also the worst version of me. I guess I am trying to say that some questions can only be answered if I truly know who I am.

Even if I did not have the luxury of six months and no distractions for a walkabout, I have, up to now, been having this beautiful and horrible life; Threading experiences and lessons and people and music together into something like a patterned table cloth that is me. And I believe that the answers to the questions on my list will always define my home… when I find myself on a walkabout, I would know where to go.