Me time – Anxiety management – Page 8

August 20, 2020September 9, 2020

Timebox

-Time management, time blocking and the death of my eight-hour workday

If you have followed these rambles for a while now, you will know that I am someone who:

Gets distracted easily
Struggles with a lot of things happening at once
Am super motivated every Monday and lose that spark by Tuesday afternoon
Can no longer work crazy hours because I apparently have a life, and because, honestly, I don’t want to

The Engineer and I had a discussion last night about how working from home (or living at work) has changed our mindset about the eight-hour workday. The difference is interesting. The Engineer enjoys the freedom of being able to move things around, get something done after dinner, work on the weekend. I on the other hand really struggle with feeling guilty towards my family because I am working and then feeling guilty about my work because I am … doing the washing. So while my time management is focused on the fact that I have limited time to do everything, he is focused on the fact that things can fit into a little box. I have also learnt in recent times that just because you work crazy hours, does not actually mean that you are more productive.

It is in fact, also bad for you. This study in the Washington Post states that “A growing number of studies are examining the link between long hours, health problems and productivity. And what they’re finding isn’t pretty.”

The Economist wrote a piece on how we should “get a life”.

Some even state that boasting about the long hours is a sign of failure.

We would never have worked from home had it not been for Lockdown2020. We would definitely not have had discussions about what mop to buy or fought about unpacking the dishwasher because we would never have been here during the day for these things to be on our radar. But here we are, a publisher armed with sticky notes and planners and an Engineer who has just been introduced to the term time blocking.

Type “time blocking” into Google and you will find an abundance of information. Type it into Pinterest, and you will find templates and designs and various individuals stating that it has changed their life. Over the past weekend, the Engineer bounced into the living room, armed with his phone, showing me that the app that his team uses at work has a time blocking functionality and how fantastic that is. I nodded and smiled but felt a little chuffed that he has a little understanding of my planning brain.

At the beginning of August 2020, I challenged myself to try it. I have read a lot about it and realised that the principle behind it is something that fits into my sticky noted, colour-coded way of thinking. At the time I also knew that anything that could give me more productivity during my day would be an improvement because this ship was sinking, and fast.

So I needed a plan. I have already been bullet journaling for a little more than a year, and I feel that I have worked out a little system there that works for me. Among other things I have learnt that I am without any doubt a paper-based creature and that I am okay with that.

Since I started with my planner, I have figured out that my day needs a double-page spread. So an ordinary day would look like this:

Boss lady worker ant things are on the left. On the right is the “home stuff”. So it has a personal to-do list, a space for physical things (I am a bit of a symptom checker because I believe that physical things trigger emotional things and vice versa). On the other half of that page is a column for all my annoyances, things that I love, things that I hate, little plans, general rambles (note how I limit my mind to only half a page!). I think that people who seriously journal will understand this section.

In short, the above method is what I have been using to get myself through the day. There is a lot of motivation in being able to colour a little box when something has been done.

Towards the end of March I realised I relied a lot on my team’s work to be reminded of things. I thrive in an office environment because I can slot my tasks in with the others, but suddenly in isolation, I realised that I was forgetting things. Again I turned to my planner for assistance.

Added to the planner a weekly divider, that had tasks arranged by project and also a daily divider on which I could stick important things of that day. Daily work pages were then used to actually write down those things that were accomplished, yes, so that I can colour a box, but also so that I did not lose my mind.

Pretty soon, however, these would be updated on a Friday and then simply be moved from day to day with very little progress. So my action plan needed to be revised. I was introduced to the concept of time blocking a while back but thought it to be … well… a little overkill. I then looked at my small handwriting and my colour-coded sticky notes and realised that overkill would suit me just fine.

I started with scheduling the first hour of my workday, every day, to go through the email that has come in and jotted down my tasks. I then also go through every project (in our case mostly journal titles) and write down what needs to happen with those on that particular day). This list appears in no particular order on the work page of my planner. And then, yes, I schedule appointments with myself in Outlook. If the appointment has been set, the task gets a little block next to it in my planner and when it is finished I can colour that block. Currently, the day is broken up in 30-minute slots from 8 am to 4 pm and every half an hour is accounted for. If I finish something in 5 minutes I can go on to the next task. It does however really assist me in what I need to be focused on in that 30 minutes. I am also not distracted by other things that need to happen that day, because I know that I will be getting to it.

This has now worked fairly well for about two weeks. I have however realised today, that I am reinventing the process every morning. So in came the next phase. I have now created a simple laminated sheet. I can stick my tasks on there and move them around if things change… because they always do.

And yes, I know, there are a lot of fancy apps and programs that can do this for you electronically, but I still get a thrill from colouring that little box. There is a lot to be said for a sense of accomplishment, even if it is a small task. This also helps me pinpoint what I am avoiding.

So this lengthy ramble tries to depict how I am trying to fit my eight-hour workday into eight hours. It also helps with the guilt situation, because it shows that I have actually done things on a particular day and it allows me some free time to write about it, like now.

July 9, 2020September 9, 2020

The accountability audit

When searching for definitions for accountability, I found them all relating to a political environment, a business environment… but what about a personal environment?

Have you ever flown a kite? Recently my situation felt a little like a ship in a storm, and then I decided to make the reality a little smaller. If I am responsible for myself, my own happiness and health and actions, I would prefer to think of it as flying a kite. I may not have control over the weather and the wind and the environment, but I can choose where I want to fly my kite, who I want to invite. I can also choose to some days not fly my kite because I know that the weather is awful. I am also in control of holding on… or letting go. And all these things make me accountable for my decision of flying a kite.

This year in all has forced me to sit down and review my responsibilities. (See, I could have made this post the “responsibility review” as well). This (yet another) list was initially an exercise given by my psychologist, gently pushing me to come to a realisation that she had already had: I feel responsible for things that I am not responsible for. I am trying to fly other people’s kites as well and therefore not holding on too well to my own.

I am one of those people who will apologise even if something was not my fault, simply to clear the air. I therefore very easily think that people are angry with me even if they are not.

The train of thought’s departing station was with a list of things in my life that I was not happy with. Some friendships were not healthy, there was the pressure that I unnecessarily placed on myself. Also on the list: physical things about myself that I was not happy with, including unhealthy habits, etc. etc. … it went on and on.

The point of this post is not to list them all and indicate how I got over myself J. The point is to admit that I realised that some things in my life, which I blamed on many other things and other people, were my own doing. My own responsibility and that I had to hold myself accountable for these. A simple example, I was not happy with my weight, I blamed it on having the Lilliputians and my age and many other things and when I realised that I was the only one who could do something about this… my mindset changed, which has had a positive influence on my exercise regime and in turn has had a positive influence on my mental health as well.

The opposite then also became clear. Many things in my life were… well, not actually in my life. They were the responsibility of others and therefore others were to be held accountable. I am not responsible for other people’s actions, or their feelings about mine. I cannot hold the fragile threads of friendship together by myself and I, unfortunately, gently, had to let it go.

In a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago, we chatted about the pressures that we put on ourselves as adults. She said that she is now focusing only on what she can do in her immediate environment and I thought that that was a very healthy outlook: a simple one day at a time approach. This is still something that I strive for, a mind that can handle things one day at a time.

So my new kiteflying picture brought me into a different reality where I can now much easier distinguish between the things that I am responsible for, the things that I can be blamed for, the things that I should and can apologise for… and the things that I needn’t put on this list. As soon as it is a situation where more than one person needs to be hanging on the the twine… or even should be flying their own kite… I can safely let it go.

Therefore, when I feel responsible for something I first review what was within my own control. What I could have done better, or worse, what can I take credit for? I, therefore, do an accountability audit. And within this simple mindset change, I am no longer blaming myself or others. I am simply taking responsibility for my own beliefs, my own values, my own actions.

May 18, 2020September 9, 2020

Walkabout

“. . .the grand tour is just the inspired man’s way of heading home.”
– Paul Theroux

If you could go anywhere, be anywhere, on your own… where would it be?

If I were to be left alone somewhere I would pick a place with dunes. I have always loved the ocean but it was only later in my life that I realised that love affair was more with the dunes than the water. I love the shapes that are drawn on them by the wind. I love how they are always in motion even if they seem to be still. I love that they are never the same from moment to moment. And the ones that I am familiar with have a view of the ocean. So if I were to be left in solitude somewhere to think about a few things… it would be somewhere with dunes.

I came across the term walkabout as the definition of a spiritual journey, where boys go to live on their own in the wild for approximately six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood. I understand it to be an effort to throw these boys into the deep end and make the teach themselves how to swim.

I recently read the word used in a somewhat different context, where a young man was sent away by his young wife because he seemed confused about who he was and what he wanted. She believed that he needed time to figure these things out before he could be truly happy with her.

I think this concept is something that can either happen at a designated time in your life, like a gap year after school or before you get married or before you have children. But sometimes a believe that events may also push us in a direction where we need to figure ourselves out again. A sudden change or bad news, or any such life-changing event. An injury, diagnosis or loss… People may need to do different things to find themselves to be their own home again.

This got me thinking (as things do)…

But what if we (and I mean me) were entitled to a period of six months where you could just take some time and figure out who you are and who you want to be and also who you were intended to be and be with? What is it exactly that I would want to figure out?

So yes, you got it. I made a list of the lists:

What are the things in my life that I am the proudest of?

What are the blessings that were handed to me, undeservedly?

What aspects of my being make me an excellent daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, employee…?

What are the things that need to be addressed because they make me a horrible daughter, sister… human being?

What do I love about me?

What energises me?

What calms me down?

What do I value the most?

What needs to be cherished and what needs to be discarded?

In essence: what would be my home?

I am sure this list will grow and go on and change… as I change. But I would love to have it grow from a single core. That which I have figured out to be the best version of me and also the worst version of me. I guess I am trying to say that some questions can only be answered if I truly know who I am.

Even if I did not have the luxury of six months and no distractions for a walkabout, I have, up to now, been having this beautiful and horrible life; Threading experiences and lessons and people and music together into something like a patterned table cloth that is me. And I believe that the answers to the questions on my list will always define my home… when I find myself on a walkabout, I would know where to go.

May 12, 2020September 9, 2020

The challenge of change

In recent months I have become a little obsessed with planning and scheduling, lists and sticky notes. South Africa is now on the 45^th day of the National lockdown and the additional responsibilities have multiplied the lists. Up to a point of over management (there are lists for the lists).

*My apologies for another post focused on the lockdown but “[…] the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”.

I have always known that I am not good with change. I feel that if you at least acknowledge it, and warn others, then it can be managed (or adequately ignored). So seeing as the Engineer knows this about my little obsession (17 years of lessons) he is not too phased with the lists and plans and the sticky notes. My colleagues love the planner in me, due to the nature of our work and the Lilliputians, well they are too small to care, they probably think that it is like this in every household.

The challenge, however, came in when I started to annoy myself. I took up a form of bullet journaling in April of last year. I did some research on the topic and the various options and started my planner with a clean slate. The daily pages have changed numerous times, depending on my priorities and at the beginning of 2020 I thought that I should get a quote and have my pages printed because they are now exactly how I want them: A double-page spread per day, right-hand side work to do/done and left-hand side split into a section for the emotional stuff, the physical stuff and then a to-do/done section for personal things and home things. Every week had a menu planner and a shopping list and every month had a habit tracker. There were sections for the various areas of my work and things were neatly compartmentalised, documented and colour-coded. And then things changed. And it kicked my ass.

So suddenly my habit tracker was not applicable anymore, because in the complete lockdown I could not go for a run, so no boxes to highlight there. I tracked my online spending, which came to a standstill in the lockdown because things could either not be bought or not be delivered. My personal to-do which use to include things like a manicure appointment or a girls’ night once a month or a dinner party at our house, now included things like changing the sheets and mopping the floors and making sure that the kids are attending the Zoom music classes.

So yes, the habit tracker became a cleaning schedule and the water tracker became hours logged for work and my plan… well it changed into something else.

For more than a month now I have struggled with this. I have felt guilty because I have struggled and complained about things that other people manage in their stride. I have been ticking things off and other days I have been disappointed in myself because I could not. I have been picking fights with the Engineer and my kids because all the boxes were not ticked.

And then, in a chat with someone (yes, someone I pay money to help me figure these things out) the following seed was planted: in a time where you have no control over something that is changing everything, you would have to change some of your priorities and your focus. I find this to be especially true because everything is now in one place: work and home and school and dance studio all have the same address. And also because I struggle to do things in the same amount of time than I use to at the office. So things that used to be very possible are now impossible. So I had to start with a clean slate again. Adapt my mind and my planning and my lists to things that are necessary and relevant and important now.

I have therefore taken some time in the small hours and made a list of the things that lockdown has taught me thus far – the lockdown lessons. Here are a few of the items:

You miss a lot of your kids’ development and growing up during office hours, and this time with them is a gift and a blessing.
I can now fold a fitted sheet.
Just because things take longer does not mean I am doing it wrong.
I do better on the days that I get up and get dressed and tackle the list than the days when I try to sleep a little later and start the workday in my PJs.
I will always be a planning listmaker even if the environment changes – and that’s OK.
I love cooking with my family (we have had something else on the menu every night of lockdown and tried many new recipes thus far. Dinner around the table is the best part of my day).
I love my dance classes not only for the dancing but also for the vibe and the people and I miss them all terribly.
Cleaning the oven is really hard.
There is a lot to be said for a day where you know you don’t have to go anywhere and I often don’t appreciate that enough.
The Engineer would happily remain in lockdown for the rest of the year because it means that he does not have to shave.

The list goes on and grows daily.

I realise that my personal experience during this time is somewhat irrelevant and the change that I experience is minuscule when placed next to the everlasting change in the economy and the world. But I have also learned that one should not dismiss the things that challenge you or make things hard by saying that it is not important or not comparable to the situation of others. By saying that you say that you are not important and ignore the truth that people deal with different things in different ways.