<i>Skaamkwaad</i> is an Afrikaans term, one of my father’s favourites. It is defined as a reaction of “anger born in shame”. This is also one of my least favourite traits in myself. I am well versed in having this reaction. I have however also become an expert in knowing when other people will react this way. Usually, after I have said the wrong thing. The moment my little sarcastic comment is expelled to the universe I will realise that I have said the wrong thing to the wrong person. Because isn’t that also true? Some people will laugh with you at their own expense because it rings of truth, but some will just… leave the conversation never to return. I myself like to take the “how can you say such a thing” approach and go off on a tangent, usually from some embarrassingly high horse – in an attempt to defend something that I know is actually true. Others, like to take the passive-aggressive approach.
The specific instance that sparked this ramble, however, was one that I was blind to. It was a WhatsApp. It was not even my original material. And the recipient, one of many, stopped speaking to me, which I only realised a few days later. And I only realised this, because I asked. Yes, I also have trouble leaving things alone.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I should not have known better. I have spoken before about how I am never sure where to pitch my tent in these situations because I tend to hang out in both camps.
My comment insinuated that this person is selfish. Not untrue. But intended in a way to say “look at how selfish we all are”. It was however not perceived as such. And yes, when I realise that this had happened, I had a little hissy fit of my own, that started with “can you not take a joke?”. Yes, it did spiral downwards from there.
Why are we angry when hearing the truth? It is sometimes an emotional reaction that can be compared to when we criticise ourselves in front of the mirror (that can put me in a bad mood for days too). Why are we even more angry, when it is something that we know to be true? And why is it sometimes worse coming from specific people?
My lessons learnt in this specific instance:
- What I think to be funny is not alwaysfunny
- Just like me, some people cannot take a joke
- Good intentions cannot always fix things
- Even if you are actually quite fond of someone, they will not necessarily resonate with you
- As with everything else, I should know better
- Do unto others…
- Employ the “is it kind?” filter
- Know, and respect, your audience