These rambles may have revealed a number of things about me, mostly that I am anxious and that I tend to overthink. Especially if I find myself with idle time… or if someone does not answer my text. Especially ones that are direct questions. I ALWAYS assume that that person is angry with me. And I can ALWAYS think up something that I have done to deserve this passive-aggressive behaviour.
Turns out, however, people are busy, people have lives and the whole world does not revolve around me. Also, some people don’t read and I really do ask a lot of questions. The Engineer has recently requested that I only send one question at a time.
The end of the year in my industry (as with many) always translates to numerous deadlines and I blamed these for my anxiety and disconnect. This morning however I took a little time to check in with myself, something I have also been neglecting. I realised that I have been avoiding so many truths because they were difficult and complicated. I have been overthinking in order to not be disappointed in myself, trying to avoid heartache.
This year, although not over, has been difficult. I have lost loved ones and love people who have lost loved ones. There have been hospital visits, there has been COVID. All of these are blanketed by worry and a good dose of fear. It is no wonder that the overthinking mind turns to the worst possible scenarios.
I have however also come to the realisation that we all need a little grace, and need to be kind to one another. That we all face these challenges and deal with them in different ways.
So this is what this is. Turning my thoughts towards the positive things that have sprouted out of the world going mad. I have completed various creative projects. I started running with intention. I took up pilates. This family has had more than 100 unique meals. We have figured out what we as a pack really enjoy doing. The Lilliputians have grown and are turning into these marvellously complex little human beings that can make me laugh and cry at the same time. My date night with friends has grown into a regular thing. We have had fantastic breakaways to beautiful places. I have read. Music has entered my home again.
I have had to learn to work in isolation (and I am mostly a pack animal) and also to manage my time and that of my colleagues. I have found and pinpointed some of my strengths and I have admitted my weaknesses (and had to embrace most of them). And I have again learnt that there are people who I can ask for help (be it professional or personal), and always someone who knows better than me. I have had the opportunity to inspire and be inspired. I have not stabbed anyone with a fork.